Some changes - finally...

These pictures are from my gym at work. It just opened this year and I thought, "Why would I ever want to stay at WORK and WORKOUT?" Seriously! Work and working out in once sentence? Talk about two things I try to avoid like the plague! Somehow though, the two things together have been a miracle!

I talked a bit ago about how working out is something that is so hard for me because I feel so guilty leaving my kids. This remains true. But, I have already resolved myself to the fact that I have to work and I am used to being gone from my little ones during the day. When I workout in my office gym, I'm able to get in there, get done and get home without feeling like I ever left my kids. They don't know I'm a half-hour later than normal and I don't feel guilty.

Another benefit for me has been that I work harder. Not that the 50 something engineer in shorts from 1984 walking at 2.4 next to me cares at ALL if I work out for 20 or 45 minutes or if I increase my incline or not, but somehow, I feel a twinge of competition. Whatever works, eh?

Another change in life is that I am now eating grains again. This is a new thing, so I have to be really careful not to choose a grain that will be a trigger for me. Hot homemade wheat toast with butter? Um, yeah. Trigger. Makes my mouth water just thinking about it. But a little brown rice in a stir-fry? Not as much. I'm not super excited or worried or anxious about adding grains back in. I think that's a good sign. It just is. I feel like that means I am gaining small amounts of control over food instead of vice-versa.

Finally, I am committing to actually taking the Alli that is sitting on my kitchen windowsill. Weight loss has slowed lately, so I'm hoping that picks it back up. The bottom line, though, is that I've kept going. I've really been doing well since 12/27 - 13 weeks I've been doing well. That is by FAR the longest I've stayed with something. People ask me what is different this time. I honestly don't know the answer besides that I've stuck with it. Probably because I feel liek I can. Brad and Scott have offered me accountability and hope. For me, those have been the two missing pieces in the past.

The best news is that people have started commenting on my weight loss. It took FOREVER it seems, but it has been so motivating and wonderful. My boss (who knows full well that I've been working my butt off) asked me the other day, "Hey, have you been losing weight?" Ha! I seriously laughed out loud. I tried to keep SOME level of respect as he is my boss and all. After I finished laughing at him, I thanked him. I don't care how the compliments come, as long as they keep coming.

Becoming a Habit

No, I'm not dead. :) I'm also not cheating. I've had a few rough weeks, though. First, I got bronchitis and WISHED I was dead. It was the sickest I've been in years and it took all the energy I had just to walk downstairs. I got it from someone at work who came in even though she was sick. I think that is the rudest thing of all time and I make no bones about it. THEN, my 18 month-old son fractured his collarbone. If you want to see something pathetic, find a baby with a sling on his arm. It broke my heart. All he wanted was for me to hold him. Literally, for 2 days, I held him for most of his (and my) waking hours. THEN, he got my bronchitis and the coughing hurt his shoulder and his misery was infectious. It was a pretty rough few weeks. But we made it and here I am.

I can say that I don't have much to report, which is actually something to report. Life is just business as usual, which means that this has become usual. Healthy meals are planned, grocery shopping on Saturdays are normal, (we have to shop once a week to make sure we have the freshest produce) making breakfast together has become a routine and packed lunches are normal for us. Also, we've been taking family walks every evening and the babies now know where their jackets are, where the stroller is, etc. We've done it so much, it has become habit for them, too.

I was on my treadmill last night and realized that I was running at a 4.5 with no problem. It was too easy and I had to change it up. Before, I was walking at a 3.5 and counting the minutes until the hell was over. Now, 4.5 is no problem. Also, today I am starting a new thing. My workplace just opened a new gym. I thought I would never need it because we have a treadmill at home. But if I workout before I even leave work, I will get home only 30 minutes later than I would have and my workout will be done. I'm going to see how that goes as far as feeling guilty that I'm not with my kids. I can say, I'm pretty excited about it and I can GUARANTEE that I wouldn't have said that 3 months ago.

I haven't really weighed myself in a while, but I can tell that this 10 pounds is taking its time coming off. I'm not really sure why that is, except for illness, stress and general upset to life. What's different about this time? I haven't given up. If nothing else - if I lose no more weight for another week - I haven't given up. THAT is a victory and I will take all the victories I can at this point.

Knee Jerk Reaction

Tonight, my son bit me. And it HURT. I teared up immediately. My initial reaction was to yelp and push my "attacker" off of me. While I did yell out in pain, I refrained from hitting, pushing, or doing anything physical to him. There is this overwhelming instinct as a mother that trumps any sort of other instinct you may have. If someone else had done that, I would have probably reacted differently. As a matter of fact, I have before. It takes work to not give in to your knee-jerk reaction. I do this in order to teach my children good things. It does me no good to hit them or bite them back. The best thing (we've decided) is for us to let them know verbally that what they did was not acceptable and that they hurt us. It seems to be working, although there are days like today when our kids "forget" what we have taught them.

That control of my emotions made me think. I am sick today. The sickest I've been in a while. I've wanted to eat comfort foods - to just curl up and eat carbs! That is definitely my knee-jerk for feeling sick. But I've had to control those instincts and think of what the greater good is. Being sick is for sure a trigger - one I've been fighting all day. But when I wake up tomorrow, it would do me no good to wake up sick AND feeling guilty. This sickness will pass and so will the cravings, I just have to let them.

Hot Yoga

See how everyone looks like they're dead? They wish they were. :) Okay, so not really - but this is by FAR my favorite pose. The "corpse pose." I wonder where it got its name....

This last Saturday, at hot yoga, my friend and I mistakenly stood right underneath a heat source. The room is already 105 degrees so the added heat was, um, unnecessary. But still, no one ever says, "I wish I hadn't done yoga today." That was true for me. My mind seemed more clear, my body was for sure more healthy and I can't wait until Wednesday night's class.

I'm not sure if it was the added heat or just the day, but during this particular yoga session, I had a bit of anxiety halfway through. I missed my kids. I felt guilty for being gone. I felt guilty for doing something for myself and not spending time with them. I realize that this is totally irrational. I realize that by doing this FOR me I am essentially doing this FOR them. But as a working mom, I have this underlying guilt whenever I am away from my kids. I feel like if I am not at work, I should be with them. I literally plan dates, errands, working out, ANYTHING around their sleep schedule.

Let's be honest - most people don't need ANOTHER excuse not to work out. Here in Seattle, the rain is a built in excuse most days for working out outside. I have a built in excuse for not working out in my children. I just don't know how to get around this guilt. They have 9 hours of awake time in a day. I am at work for 7 of those hours so I have a hard time using some of the remaining 2 to work out. On Saturdays, I feel like I miss their mornings and afternoons during the week so I need to be with them. I've tried working out "with" them, but I am more focused on them than I am on myself and I don't get as many benefits.

I weighed myself today - I am down 5 more lbs since my first "just 10" goal. This 5 definitely has been harder than the first. This 5 has taken over 3 weeks. I know that part of this "stickiness" is that I am not getting in as many workouts as I should. And I'm feeling a bit desperate. A bit anxious. I know that 5 lbs in 3 weeks is still 5 lbs. And as Brad says, "Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, change happens." True. But that doesn't mean that the slow time isn't hard. I have to stay focused on the fact that the change is happening. And that change is COMPLETELY in my control.

A bit bruised...

I ate a doughnut. I really don't know what to say about it. I feel like I let Evan down. I let Scott and Brad down. I let myself down. But the guilt doesn't do anyone any good so I am writing this to process my thoughts so I can turn this into a springboard for good instead of an excuse to quit. I've done that before and I don't want to do it again. Please understand, this is humiliating. I don't like to admit to failure - even for just a fleeting moment.

First, you should know that the doughnut was amazing. I wish I could say that it wasn't that good or that it made me physically ill. It didn't. It was as good as I wanted it to be. There is this place near our house that has a maple bacon bar. My sister-in-law lives in Arizona and dreams of this place. It is that good. I have driven by Frost (the name of the doughnut shop) a few times in the last month, but haven't gone in. I can say, though, that it is ALWAYS a temptation.

Monday, however, was different. I had to go to the grocery store and stopped at the one across from Frost. Evan knew I was stopping and didn't really know when I'd be home. I had this window of "opportunity." Time to go to Frost, buy and eat a doughnut and no one would know. Why did I do it? I don't know. It sounded good. It was Valentine's Day. I "deserved" it because I had been working so hard. Something lame like that.

But, the problem really wasn't the doughnut - one doughnut is not going to kill me. It was the behavior. As I was driving home, I realized how much like an addict I was. Sneaking and lying. It all happened really quickly. Sometime between leaving the grocery store and the time I walked into Frost, I was able to justify the behavior. And let myself down. For a doughnut - a maple bar with bacon, yes. But a doughnut nonetheless.

The second I got to a red light, I text Scott to tell him. Then, the minute I got home, I told Evan what had happened. Not that telling them takes it away, but it certainly changes the behavior from what I would have done a month ago. That is the only way to make this different from every other time I have messed up. I'm human and it's going to happen. But I don't want the guilt to turn into a spiral and a reason to just give up. I need the guilt (and it was some HEAVY guilt) to become a deterrent from a repeat offense.

I was supposed to weigh in today. I told Evan to keep the scale hidden. I didn't see a point in weighing myself today - it couldn't do me any good. If I had lost weight, it might have reinforced that "cheating" isn't that big of a deal. If I had gained weight, the emotion could translate into giving up.

So, one more week with no weigh in. One more battle fought and this one with a less-than-happy outcome. But today and tomorrow, I am still on track and that is more than I could say for myself before this. Even though my emotions are a bit bruised, I'm still moving forward. And I'm really proud of myself for that.

Healthy Habits

While ringing up our groceries this morning, the lady at Safeway said, "Oh, you really eat healthy. You got only healthy food. Good job!" Not sure why she commented - if it was just because we don't LOOK healthy, or if she tries to eat healthy, so she noticed. I don't know. What I do know is that I thought it was interesting. No one has ever commented on my groceries before - and we've tried to eat healthy lots of times. Here was our grocery list:

Greek Yogurt
Mushrooms
Onions
Asparagus
Zucchini
Turkey Bacon
Chicken
Oatmeal (for the babies)
Strawberries
Lemons
Apples
Oranges
Spinach
Milk (babies)
Eggs
Canned Fruit (babies)

I hadn't spent the time to think of it, but the grocery store is where it all starts. If you are bringing healthy foods into your home, you are bringing healthy foods into your body. After a while, (some days it feels like a LONG while) your body becomes healthier. I've heard you should try to stay on the perimeter of the grocery store - where the food is less processed. The majority of our list is there. No preservatives, no additives. Making my own food gives me the control to know what is going in my body.

Also, we've been taking the babies and dogs for a walk everyday. Not super easy in Seattle, but we do it. It takes quite a few layers of clothing and some velcro to keep everything on our children, but it has been worth it. They say it takes 3 weeks to create a new habit. Tomorrow will mark Day 30 on the Love-Centered Diet. Would I dare say we have created new healthy habits?

Healthy choices translate into healthy habits. Through example, we teach those habits to our children and those around us. And that is what this is all about for me.

Body Mapping

No, no one died. We are all alive and well. When I talked to Scott last night, he asked me to do a body map. Brad talks about body maps in his book, Just 10 LBS. As you can see in the picture, I drew an outline of what I thought I looked like with my arms at my side. This is the black line on the outside. Then, Evan, came in and drew a line (red on the inside) of what I really looked like. (Brad, I do wish that I could do this with my arms out. One thing I DO have going for me is my bodacious curvy curves. I like to think of myself as a plus-size Jessica Rabbit and this body map makes me look like an apple on a toothpick, which I am not. *wink, wink*)

I was shocked to see that I thought my legs were so much bigger than they were. Also shocking, and maybe more so, was the fact that I did pretty good in my estimation of the rest of my body. I am not sure how I would have done 2 months ago - I have a really weird body perception. It is hard for me to know what I really look like.

After I saw myself on The View, I apologized to Evan. I really didn't know that I had gotten that big. I mean, I knew, I just didn't know, you know? I've always thought I looked bigger or smaller than I really do. Now that I am losing weight (and have to be near the 20 lb mark) I wish more people would notice. It is hard to see 20 pounds on someone that needs to lose over 100 - but after almost a month of hard work and sacrifice, it would be nice if someone's jaw would drop or something when they see me. And not because I said something inappropriate, (tee hee) but because they think I am wasting away to practically nothing.

The last few days have been pretty rough. Nothing major, I guess, but I can certainly feel that I am going through "a phase." I feel like if I can JUST pull through this next little bit, get over this hump of sorts, things will get easier. I was telling my in-laws about this today and Evan agreed. I think we've done "diets" before for 3 weeks but never longer without taking a "break." (Most of our breaks are 2-3 months long and full of chocolate.) Getting through this 4 weeks slump will make us or break us.

I've just found myself wanting foods more. Cravings are coming more often and giving up is frequently on my mind. Justification, excuses, you name it. That's been a common theme this week. I passed a Walgreens today where Snickers bars were being advertised on the marquee for 49 cents. (Curse Walgreens.) I literally had to call Evan twice and have him talk me through it. Snickers really do satisfy. But for only so long.

So, onward. Actually, this week, upward. One day at a time, one meal at a time.

Saying goodbye

Evan and I tried on all of our clothes and filled a basket with clothes that are too big for us. I have always kept my clothes before because I am too cheap to buy more and I have never believed in myself enough to think that I would never need them again. History repeats itself, you know? This time, we are saying goodbye. It was harder than I thought it would be.

Evan is sad that we have to "spend money" to buy him new clothes, but he'll have to get over it. My hot husband had better look good! That is a non-negotiable for me. We have had to triple our clothing budget for the next few months in order to have enough money to not be naked. No one really wants to see that. Yet. I did let him keep his one shirt he has had since high school. But only for looking at - it is not to be worn. I think a good rule of thumb is - if you can see through it, you don't wear it. I mean, at least at our age, eh?

"Spaghetti" Just 10 style

My friend, Kristine, emailed me and told me about something she made for dinner, so I thought I'd try to create my own version. It was something different and yummy, so I thought I'd share. Thanks for the idea, Kristine!

1 4 lb. spaghetti squash, baked, boiled or steamed (we ate less than half between the two of us)
lean ground beef cooked and fat removed (4 oz. each person)
1 can chopped tomatoes (you could use crushed or diced)
1 onion, chopped
1 clove garlic, chopped
1 Tbls dried basil
1/2 Tbls. dried oregano
1/2 tea. thyme
1/4 tea. marjoram
salt to taste

Cook the onion and garlic with cooking spray until soft. Add tomatoes and spices and simmer until flavors blend. Add ground beef. Serve over "noodles."

This is war

Brad and Scott came to visit yesterday. It was good to see them, to see how great Scott looked, to feel their calming, kind spirits and to have Evan meet them both. When they left, I felt empty. I had a really hard time last night - I didn't feel energized and ready for the next 10 lbs as I thought I would, I felt...sad. I couldn't explain it. Everything was great when they were here. We were able to pick their brains, talk about what is working and what isn't, get some great tips, have some laughs, cry some tears, etc.

After we put the babies to bed, I had to go get some groceries. We were out of some staples - greek yogurt, salad greens, etc. On my way, I couldn't understand why I felt so bad. I thought about it all during my trip to the grocery store and back. When I got home, I tried to articulate my thoughts to Evan and they weren't coming out right. And then I understood. The cavalry had left. I am in a huge war - me vs. my emotions and old habits. I have won some battles and lost some. And I have support from some wonderful people. Scott and Brad coming was exciting for me - I had someone (besides Evan) to talk to, to ask questions. Then they left. And my anxiety returned.

I'm feeling better today - maybe because I understand that each day I learn and grow and become stronger. But at this particular moment, I feel a tad weak. I am sure that is because we haven't had dinner yet. Also, it is a Friday and Fridays tend to be triggers for us to eat poorly. And, tomorrow would have been my mom's 67th birthday.

Brad asked me if fear of becoming like my mom is motivation for me. I don't know why, but it isn't. It isn't that I don't see my mom in me. I do - sometimes to the point that it is scary. I just don't see her health in me. I can't believe that I will allow myself to get so sick. Obviously, I have gotten quite heavy, but for better or worse, I don't let fear motivate me. What I DO let motivate me is the hope that I can change for my children. I DO get motivated by the thought that my mom is rooting for me. That she wishes she could have broken this horrible cycle so that I didn't have to live a life with pain in it. I am motivated by the hope that I can do what she wasn't able to.

My mom was gorgeous. She was selfless, kind, friendly and loved doing things for other people. She obviously didn't have the strength that it took to stop this cycle, but what she DID do is raise me with that strength. She believed I could do anything and she didn't make that any sort of secret. She loved me with all of her heart and thought I was far more talented, beautiful and special than I have ever thought I was. She taught me so many things by example - how to be a good mom, how to love, how to host a good party. And she taught me other things without example. For all of her attempts, failed and not, I honor her. I appreciate her. And I hope she is proud of me.

My mom lost her war. But not before she taught me so many of the lessons I would need to fight my own. So, not for fear, but for hope, I will win my war to honor my mother.

Ode to Scale

Oh, my dear friend, Scale, how I miss you so!
Although our relationship has ups and downs, it sucks you had to go.
Scott and Brad said we had to stop meeting every day,
So my husband took the advice to heart and hid you far away.
I miss you almost as much as chocolate’s smooth, sweet taste.
But not enough, my friend, dear Scale, to find your hiding place.
You have given me good news before, but most often it was bad.
Wanting to put myself through that again must mean I’m going mad.
So for now, my friend, just stay away, so I can focus more on me.
And when my husband pulls you out, I will cheer for victory!

My eating style

Just 10 lbs talks about different eating styles. As I have been working on my journal, I took the test to find out which style I was. There are 6 styles: emotional, energy, pleasure, external and critical. I am a mix of 4 styles. FOUR. I think it takes a special talent to love eating so much that you capture 4/6 styles. Geez - no wonder I've had issues with my weight. Happy? Eat. Sad? Eat. See food? Eat. Craving? Eat. I guess that has been apparent to the world - don't know why it took someone telling me to figure it out. I would bet that the rest of my family members are the same types. I know my mom was.

People have said I look like my mom lately. Probably due to being on the show, etc. I'm fine with that, because she was a beautiful woman. But sometimes when I think about it, it makes me feel bad. Do they mean that I am big like she was? Big and pretty? That's not my goal. Don't get me wrong, my mom was a wonderful woman - and tried SO hard to be a good mom. I would say she succeeded. But at the same time, I feel jealous of her that she had a time in her life that she KNEW she was beautiful. Other women were jealous of her beauty. I've never felt that - ever. Everyone in my family has had a "thin" time. All of them were thin in high school. Not me - I've been "just like my mom" since I was born. I was chubby in pre-school, grade school, high school and college. I wondered if anyone could ever love me. School was hard. I have blocked many years of my life from my memory because I don't want to remember how tough it was. It took me hitting rock bottom when I was 23 to force me to counseling. That is where I learned who I was and started to build the life I have. If I was healthy, it would be the life I've always dreamed of.

I have a high self-esteem about my personality, my intelligence, my capabilities, etc. But when it comes to my physical appearance, there needs to be some work done. I am learning to appreciate my body. Love it. After all, it brought me the two most wonderful little ones in the world. Evan loves me and is attracted to me, so there must be something there.

They say to "fake it until you make it." This is my plan. I am feeding my body as if I loved it completely and that love continues to grow each day. I have abused myself for so many years because I didn't think my body was worth anything else. But it is. And remembering that on a minute-by-minute basis is the hard part.

The first 10

It's been quite a busy and emotional week. Today, I begged my husband to pull the scale out of the abyss (he has to hide it from me because I can get a wee bit obsessed) so I could see if I hit my first Just 10 goal. I was SO close last time I weighed - I couldn't stand not celebrating if I had hit my goal. Lo and behold, I HAD! I jumped all around and had a mini-celebration right there in the bathroom. The babies clapped - although they clap when they play in the toilet, too. I then hugged my husband and thanked him for his support. My support team (aka all of YOU) has been the one constant difference from any other weight loss attempt I've had. And I rewarded myself today with lunch with a dear friend and a well-past-due pedicure.

I've been struck this week at how much easier it is to be successful when those around me know my goal. I told Dave today at lunch that I don't think people talk about sex, money or dieting enough. I think that in the right setting, with the right choice of topics, it is healthy to speak out about those things. I've never told so many people what my goals were before - for fear of judgement, mocking, misunderstanding, whatever. This time - well, I told America. :)

It has been an interesting social experiment, though. I can't tell you how many people have asked me what I am doing, what I am learning, how the book was, etc. Seems once YOU are honest with someone about your desire to become healthy, THEY are more open to discussing it with you. And this has been such a blessing. First, I know I'm not alone - I'm not the freak that I have sometimes thought I was. (Even super-fit Dave admitted to being a stress eater) Second, I have enough people to be accountable to that the chances of messing up are quite slim. Trust me. If I even thought of cheating - I know which of my friends would be all over me - tearing carbohydrates out of my shaking hands.

My niece's 2nd birthday is tomorrow. Per tradition, we are all going to have dinner together. My sister-in-law and brother called to find out what I could eat. I gave them the rules of the Love-Centered Diet and they planned the menu around it. I apologized. I don't know why, really. I guess I don't want to make anyone feel that I am forcing them to accommodate me. But my sister-in-law told me, "It's okay. That's what we should all be eating anyway." Amen, sister. (No pun intended.) Brad has mentioned that through my lifestyle change, I can have an affect on those around me - including my family. And at the first test, my family passed with flying colors. They don't want me to fail. They want to support me because they love me. They don't love me enough to not have cake, but enough to make me fruit salad instead. :)

At work, we have a cafeteria where we can get breakfast and lunch. The chef, Shane, is constantly trying to make everyone happy. Of course, cooking for 1,000 people (and different and sometimes whiny taste buds) a day is tough. I told him about Brad's book and how I was eating. He now has a "Cara menu" for when I am in a catered meeting so that I can continue to stay on course. The other morning, I didn't have time to pack a lunch, so I asked him if he could prepare me something that day for lunch. When I went in to eat, I saw that he had put my meal on the menu! By the time I got there at noon, he had already sold 15! He told me that every Wednesday, he is going to do a special "Just 10" lunch for me and the rest of my co-workers.

None of those things would have happened if I hadn't been brave enough to tell those around me what my challenges and goals were. Was it embarrassing to go on national television and admit that I had a food addiction? Um - yes. (Quite, actually.) But did it start a snowball of change in my life? Yes. And for that, I will always be grateful.

10 down. And starting today, 10 more to go.

Reaching...

Today is a better day. And as I woke up this morning (to my son’s ever-too-early “dah, dah, dahs”), I was amazed at the lack of guilt I had. It was one of the weirdest and best things I’ve ever experienced. Guilt from eating on a bad day happens so often for me that it has become the norm. It was amazing to feel good about yesterday and optimistic about today. I’m not feeling guilty for making wrong choices. I’m not forced to recommit myself to this new lifestyle because I STAYED committed. Instead of falling or giving up, I asked for help and support. I told Brad and Scott that I was reaching. And I really was – I felt myself falling, giving up, caving into myself. It was just a hard day and dealing with it emotionally was SO much harder than eating something. The support unit was the key for me. I didn’t even hear from them until last night, but KNOWING I could ask, that I could reach, helped me. Evan helped me during the day and the reserve team backed him up that night. Funny that it takes 4 people to get me through a bad day. Geesh.

I had a small victory yesterday – actually, I think it could be considered a large victory. With Scott and Brad’s help, I am learning that (as Scott put it) “the result is a function of the process.” And I am so used to striving for excellence that I want the end, the result. And, I work really hard in my life to make sure I am getting it. This whole “journey” thing can get rough – I just want the Cliff Notes version, please.

I asked Evan the other day how many Spinach salads he thought we would eat in the next 90 days. His response? “180.” :) Funny Evan. How many small battles and victories am I going to have in the coming months? It seems like a number too high to count. Now, I just need to make sure that each battle ends with a victory. I have a whole new respect for ex-smokers or recovering alcoholics and drug addicts. Being thin and healthy better be FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC!

Day 11

Day 11 and I've hit a snag. It's been tough before this, but something is different. Or the same - meaning the same as every other time - and it scares me to death. I gained a pound this morning. Anxiety creeped in. Scott says to breathe. I tried not to think about it, but I was in a funk all day. Why do I let it consume me? The difference this time is that I didn't quit. Those of you who know me know I'm not a quitter. Except with this. I've quit more weight loss attempts than I have hairs on my head.

Per Scott's advice, I am hiding the scale. I need to trust in the journey. Trust in my body. Trust myself. Believe in myself. Can I actually do that? Do I have the strength? Today is over. I made it, I made good decisions. Now for tomorrow. One day at a time. Good decisions tomorrow.

Too fast

My daughter is a beautiful little girl. She is shy, thoughtful, kind and her laugh could make Scrooge smile. She is a picky eater, a Daddy's girl and loves to snuggle. With twins, it takes quite an effort to not compare the two babies. The "happy one," "evil twin" and "easy one" are not words we use in our home because we want them to be individuals and know they are important and loved on their own and in their own way.

However, I am a first-time parent. I have nothing to compare "normal" to except for my other child's normal. This has come in handy before...like, after my son started teething, I could see the signs easier for my daughter. When my daughter started wanting only one nap, it was easier to make the transition for both.

On the flip side, this has been problematic in the past. My son says more words than my daughter. My daughter knows more body parts than my son. Most recently, my son started walking sooner. A lot sooner. He started walking on his own around Thanksgiving but my daughter has JUST now started to walk on her own in the last few days. This morning, as she stood up to walk to a toy she saw across the room, I thought, "Whew - she is doing great. Like she's been walking forever." I realized that I had been stressing about her timeline. I don't know why - they already are growing up too fast. And I started to wonder why I was mentally pushing her to walk sooner than she was ready for.

In our society, we want things now. NOW, now. Not like "in 5 minutes now." I tend to be pretty bad at this myself. If I ask my husband to do something, I mean now, not "when he's done" with whatever he's doing. (We're working on that in order to maintain my husband's sanity.) At work, I hate having to wait for answers. And, since starting this journey just 9 days ago, I have caught myself wondering why I wasn't thin already.

What I realized today watching her walk was that things will come when all of the criteria have been met. She has been working SO hard at walking. Balance didn't come to her as easily as it did for her brother. Her left leg turns out a bit and she has a hard time getting it to "work" right. AND, she had a Daddy that was willing to hold her anytime she wanted because she is SO danged cute.

I have to work just as hard to learn how to eat again. What I have known for 32 years was wrong, so much like learning a new language or a new skill, it will take practice. I can't expect myself to be a superstar overnight. And, this does NOT come easily to me. I was not taught portion sizes or the correct way to deal with emotions as a child. Finally, I have a genetic pull towards obesity and people around me who want me to cook for and eat with them. This is an uphill battle. If being thin and healthy was easy, EVERYONE would be thin and healthy. In America, though, it is quite the contrary. I need to have patience with myself and take it one day, one meal, one pound at a time. Thank you to all of you for being on my team. It means more than I could ever say.

Constant Motivation

I have lost 8 lbs. in 6 days. That's pretty danged fabulous. I understand in my mind that it can't continue at that rate, but the last three days, the scale hasn't moved. Add on top of that the fact that when Evan took my measurements, they weren't any smaller than a month ago. Motivation has been a bit tough for me the last few days. Triggers have been more often and I couldn't figure out why. I refrained from stealing a graham cracker out of my kids' hands, but (no need to call CPS) I thought about it.

In the past, some of my motivation has come from success. Today, I realized that THAT is one of the reasons why after a few weeks, I give up. For me, plateau = time to cheat. This morning, I was SURE that the scale would have budged. I was wrong. Instead of being frustrated, however, I thought, "It's okay. My body needs a few days to catch up." Then, I got on the treadmill. In his book, Brad talks about moving meditation - moving without music, reading or other forms of distraction - so I ditched my workout mix and just walked. And while I was just walking, I realized that my source of motivation has been a really bad one.

Playing off of Brad's term, "moving meditation," I was using "moving motivation." How could I expect to stay motivated when I was having a bad day? THAT is the time I needed the MOST motivation. And, in the past, that was the time I was giving up. During my moving mediation time, I realized that I need to be motivated by something steadfast. Constant. Like my husband and kids. Like my desire to have a healthy body. Those are constants in my life. Pretty big epiphany today. I realized how wrong I have been and how I was setting myself up to fail every single time I started.

Just do it

The Just 10 lbs workbook asks the question: “Describe a situation where you faced an unexpected challenge and succeeded.” Thoughts started racing through my mind as I tried to think of a time I feel like I succeeded. Why is it human nature (or is it just MY nature) to think about myself negatively? If I was asked about times I failed, I could come up with a list a mile long – but for a list of my successes? That’s not so easy. I swear that this is why so many people take Prozac. :) We don’t feel good enough – we’re constantly trying to improve and never just accepting where we are and what we’ve done. And when I FORCE myself to think about the good, SHOCKINGLY, there IS good. I am good. I do succeed. I do well enough sometimes. We so easily see “good” in other people and have the hardest time seeing it in ourselves.

To date, the most unexpected challenge I have had is to be the mother of twins. TWINS. I always tell people who ask that twins are truly proof that God exists and that He has a sense of humor.

It is funny how twins are so fascinating to those who aren’t close to some in their own lives. I remember walking through Costco when the babies were maybe 4 months old. I am a working mom. Saturdays are the only day I have to get things done. And this lady stopped me to talk about how cute they were, how I got twins, what it was like, etc. For some reason, this is normal to us now. (We’ve even had strangers take pictures of them…) Walking with twins is like walking with mini-celebrities.

On this particular day, however, all I could think was, “Lady, of ALL the people in this store, I am the LAST one who has time to sit here and talk to you. Do you have ANY idea how much energy and time it takes to have twins!?” Of course, I didn’t say this. I smiled, and talked to her with my teeth grinding the whole time.

So twins were unexpected and challenging. Not sure that with only 16 months under my belt I could say I have succeeded. But, I can say that I didn’t die. And, believe me, there were times I thought I would. Or wished I could. :) Sleep deprivation makes you a tad nutso. The first month of their lives, Evan was gone 10 hours a day. I would just feed one, feed the other, pump, and then have 15 minutes to eat, nap, change diapers, clean, whatever before it all started again. All day – all night. I can’t say I loved every minute of it, but I loved every minute of THEM and they are the greatest joys of my life.

People ask me how I do it. I just do it. Any mother of multiples would tell you the same thing. Heck, any mother would tell you the same thing. You just do it because you have to and because there is something inside of you pushing you.

What does this have to do with weight loss? Well, I ask myself how I will do it. And this time, I will just do it. Because I have to. And the something pushing this time isn’t inside of me, but it is those two children that have caused me so many tears of joy and frustration. I want them to have a happy, healthy mom. I want them to learn how to deal with emotion and how to be healthy themselves. This journey I am on was not unexpected, but the way I got here certainly was a surprise.

RCCM

I have been on more “diets” than I care to think about. Some crazy, some less crazy. Atkins worked – but I could only stay on it for limited amounts of time. Cravings for pastries, etc. were BAD on Atkins. Our last Atkins adventure ended with doughnuts. We had been on Atkins for about 3 weeks. We had both lost quite a bit of weight – like 10+ lbs each. One night, someone on the Food Network made doughnuts. Then, there was a grocery store ad for doughnuts. Then I think I saw someone eating doughnuts or mentioning them. I literally lost control. Looking back, it is quite comical. At the time, though, you would have thought Evan and I were rabid dogs. I talked him into going to the store to get doughnuts. “We’ll go right back on Atkins tomorrow,” I told him. It didn’t take too much convincing. We drove together to Fry’s where we bought 2 dozen old-fashioned glazed and RAN to the car. Before we were out of the parking lot, we had both eaten 3. A literal doughnut-fest. Crumbs flying everywhere – hands to mouths and back to doughnuts – complete loss of humanity. That was a true low-point for us. I haven’t been back down the Atkins road since then, mainly because I knew it would end badly.

Nutrisystem? Been there, done that. Jenny Craig? Same. Done vegetarian, only exercising, trying to not think about food, and, more often than not, Weight Watchers. To be honest, Weight Watchers wins my vote. The problem with any of it, though is if you want to cheat, you can. With all of these things, it is not only eating right and exercising, but the self-control and mastery. That is the piece I’ve been missing. I can only go so long on sheer will.

In the recipe for weight-loss, it is easy to note that things like movement and vegetables belong. I think it is obvious to everyone that sugar should be in moderation and spinach becomes a staple. Then it starts getting a bit fuzzy. It’s the mental piece that breaks down. I think that is why even some people on shows like The Biggest Loser gain weight back. If your weight is an outward reflection of a self-numbing, until you figure out how to deal with whatever is creating the need to numb, whatever else you do won’t last.

At work, we do what is called Root Cause/Countermeasure. RCCM for short. Essentially, it is a way to fix something that is broken. And there are short-term countermeasures and long-term. Band-aids and real fixes. And during my time here, I’ve seen some short-term countermeasures that have screwed things up worse than before. I think that’s how my life has been. I’ve been “dieting” without really asking the questions to find out the root cause. I’ve thought about what that thing was, but I haven’t been able to find it. With Brad and Scott’s help, I can figure it out. One thing I have learned is that HOPE is a part of it. When I lose hope, (much like after the doughnut frenzy) I lose motivation. I lose will. One thing I have right now is hope. And I am holding on to it for dear life.

Triggers Happen

Last night when I got home from work, I was hungry. Today at work, there was fruit cake in the common area and it made me want some. Did you hear me!? Fruit cake. That is pathetic. I can honestly say that I have NEVER before wanted some fruit cake. Aren't there songs about how bad fruit cake is? That's obviously why someone brought it to the common area. You could put all your unwanted See's candies there that have bites out of them and they'd get eaten there.

That led me to ask myself WHY those things were triggers? Obviously, I am eating less and I haven't had processed sugar for 5 days. As for last night though, here are my thoughts: like a smoker who needs a cigarette after a meal or when they are drinking, I have always eaten when I got home from work. For whatever reason. But when I stopped to think about whether I was really hungry or just mentally hungry, I had to be honest - it was all in my head. So the trick here isn't not eating (because that would stop working after a few days), it is training myself to ask if I'm REALLY hungry instead of just eating because I got home from work. Getting home from work isn't a reason to eat. Hunger is. Physical hunger. Can I ask myself that question everytime I'm hungry? I honestly don't know. I haven't been able to for 32 years. But old habits die hard and I'm doing my best to kill them.

And for the fruit cake - don't judge. It WAS right before lunch, so that is what I'm thinking happened, but still. I'm ashamed. For some reason, I feel shame admitting that I wanted a piece of fruit cake. Like I might as well admit I wanted to dig in the trash can behind a Dunkin' Doughnuts or something. I might feel less shame with that! But I figured out that when I am REALLY hungry and it is time to feed my body, my will power is weaker than at other times. For me and what I am doing, that doesn't mean to snack on something else as that might trigger me in and of itself. I think all that means is that I have to focus, ask myself some questions and be HONEST in my answers to myself.

Brad says in his book (and Scott reminded me last night) that the human mind has the incredible ability to justify things. We know that we shouldn't eat 6 cookies at a sitting. But somehow, we are able to justify to ourselves that just this time isn't going to be a big deal. Or that we'll make sure and workout the next day. Yet all of those "justifications" have led me here. If not treated right, triggers lead to justifications which lead to weight gain.

They say, "s--- happens." True. But it's how you deal with it that defines you. So I say, "triggers happen." And it is whether I justify them or not that defines my waistline.

Addicts

Evan and I have both had headaches the last few days. Not a BAD headache, but worth mentioning. We're pretty sure it is our bodies detoxing from sugar. Brad treats overweight people like he would treat a drug addict - and this reaction from my body certainly helps his case.

I have thought in the past about drug addicts and compared myself to them. I wondered, "If a drug addict can stop using, why can't I stop eating?" I know some people who have stopped smoking. And, even though I try not to judge, I find myself thinking that I am more intelligent or capable than some of those people. I mean, if they can do it, shouldn't I be able to? Aren't people who start smoking or using drugs less intelligent than I am because they started doing something that they KNEW was stupid? And yet, here I am. Barely fitting into airplane seats and not recognizing myself in pictures. What is that ONE thing you have to find in yourself or that ONE thing that has to happen to you to finally get you to stop hurting yourself? I still don't know the answer.

We had a nanny that we found out was a cutter. This person no longer cares for our children, but that always has seemed so odd to me - cutting yourself to numb the pain or stress of life. In reality, though, (cue epiphany) that's what I've been doing. And my way of numbing is obvious to EVERYONE - even those from across the room. I can't just wear long sleeves. Man, if only it was that easy to cover up...

Another question, then: What is it that I'm trying to numb from? My childhood (besides being teased for being fat) was great. My marriage is perfect. I have two wonderful children. My family loves me, most of the time. I know and have a relationship with my Father in Heaven. Is it possible that being chubby as a kid and the pain I felt from that spiraled into my current weight?

Here I sit - Day 4 of the "Love-Centered Diet" and down almost 6 pounds. I will say this - 6 lbs gives quite the motivation. And, although I wouldn't say it was easy, (especially watching my cute and pregnant sister-in-law eat Frost doughnuts this morning) I would say that it hasn't been too bad. And it has TOTALLY been worth it. 60% of the first 10 completed. That feels pretty good, even if this headache doesn't.

It's amazing...

It's amazing how much people watch what you eat when you go in front of America and tell them that you are trying to lose weight. After the show viewed on Friday, I went to get a grilled chicken breast from the cafeteria at Fluke to supplement my salad. On my way back to my desk, no less than 6 people commented on my food.

It's amazing how sweet an orange is when you aren't eating processed sugar. Or how much you can appreciate a breast of chicken when it is the only protein you are eating in your meal and you are only eating 4 ounces...
Finally, it's amazing how much more I noticed the sights and smells of food today at Pike Place Market. Evan's family is all up from Arizona for the weekend and we took them to Pike Place to look around. I have been to Pike's more than a dozen times and have always snacked on the samples and eaten whatever everyone else was eating. Today, the family ate fresh doughnuts, macaroni and cheese, mexican food and pizza while I ate the food I had commited to last night. As I was walking through the market, I felt my senses heightened...smells were stronger, colors brighter, the air even seemed cooler. I will be honest - it was TOUGH. All I could think of was how good the pastries smelled or how yummy the melted cheese on the pasta looked. It seemed that around every corner was a temptation, like the universe wanted to test me. And any other time I have tried to lose weight, I would have given in and eaten one or two or all of those things. But not today. Today, I triumphed. And, I look forward to my next trip to Pike's Market, when the smells are not such a temptation, but the other senses make it an even more enjoyable trip.

The call that started it all...

I have a friend named Scott Lamm that I worked with at Wade Cook about 12 years ago. I have been following him on Facebook for several months. I found out that his brother, Brad Lamm, is a contributing expert for the Dr. Oz show. He wrote a book about weight loss called Just 10 Pounds, for which Dr. Oz wrote the foreword. This book came out on Wednesday, January 5th. Scott posted about it on Facebook and I ordered the book and commented to Scott that I was looking forward to its arrival. Out of the blue, Scott called me on Thursday night at about 5 PM, January 6th and asked me about my weight loss journey. After I told him all that I had been through, including my failed attempts (the lapband, etc.) and my mother's struggle, he asked me to be on the show with his brother. In return, they would coach me and give me the tools necessary to be successful in this attempt. I had 2 hours to make a decision.

I was very nervous. This is something so personal - especially about my mom. I wasn't sure I wanted to share my story with America. However, I want to have the tools to be able to teach Vienna and Carter how to cope with emotions, both good and bad, without turning to food. At this point in my life, I don't know how to do that. I would do anything to be able to give them a happy and healthy life - including "air my dirty laundry" on National TV.

Friday morning was a whirlwind. I had several phone interviews, including one with Rachel, a producer of The View. This was kind of an audition. Bottom line, they thought that the public would relate to my story and wanted me to share it. I flew to New York on Tuesday the 11th, taped the show on Wednesday and it aired on Friday.

I hope that if you have time, you will watch so that I can feel that I have friends watching me instead of judgemental strangers. I hope that will make me feel a bit calmer. I also hope that you will support me in this journey - it has been a long road and I feel like there is finally light at the end of the tunnel.