Knee Jerk Reaction

Tonight, my son bit me. And it HURT. I teared up immediately. My initial reaction was to yelp and push my "attacker" off of me. While I did yell out in pain, I refrained from hitting, pushing, or doing anything physical to him. There is this overwhelming instinct as a mother that trumps any sort of other instinct you may have. If someone else had done that, I would have probably reacted differently. As a matter of fact, I have before. It takes work to not give in to your knee-jerk reaction. I do this in order to teach my children good things. It does me no good to hit them or bite them back. The best thing (we've decided) is for us to let them know verbally that what they did was not acceptable and that they hurt us. It seems to be working, although there are days like today when our kids "forget" what we have taught them.

That control of my emotions made me think. I am sick today. The sickest I've been in a while. I've wanted to eat comfort foods - to just curl up and eat carbs! That is definitely my knee-jerk for feeling sick. But I've had to control those instincts and think of what the greater good is. Being sick is for sure a trigger - one I've been fighting all day. But when I wake up tomorrow, it would do me no good to wake up sick AND feeling guilty. This sickness will pass and so will the cravings, I just have to let them.

Hot Yoga

See how everyone looks like they're dead? They wish they were. :) Okay, so not really - but this is by FAR my favorite pose. The "corpse pose." I wonder where it got its name....

This last Saturday, at hot yoga, my friend and I mistakenly stood right underneath a heat source. The room is already 105 degrees so the added heat was, um, unnecessary. But still, no one ever says, "I wish I hadn't done yoga today." That was true for me. My mind seemed more clear, my body was for sure more healthy and I can't wait until Wednesday night's class.

I'm not sure if it was the added heat or just the day, but during this particular yoga session, I had a bit of anxiety halfway through. I missed my kids. I felt guilty for being gone. I felt guilty for doing something for myself and not spending time with them. I realize that this is totally irrational. I realize that by doing this FOR me I am essentially doing this FOR them. But as a working mom, I have this underlying guilt whenever I am away from my kids. I feel like if I am not at work, I should be with them. I literally plan dates, errands, working out, ANYTHING around their sleep schedule.

Let's be honest - most people don't need ANOTHER excuse not to work out. Here in Seattle, the rain is a built in excuse most days for working out outside. I have a built in excuse for not working out in my children. I just don't know how to get around this guilt. They have 9 hours of awake time in a day. I am at work for 7 of those hours so I have a hard time using some of the remaining 2 to work out. On Saturdays, I feel like I miss their mornings and afternoons during the week so I need to be with them. I've tried working out "with" them, but I am more focused on them than I am on myself and I don't get as many benefits.

I weighed myself today - I am down 5 more lbs since my first "just 10" goal. This 5 definitely has been harder than the first. This 5 has taken over 3 weeks. I know that part of this "stickiness" is that I am not getting in as many workouts as I should. And I'm feeling a bit desperate. A bit anxious. I know that 5 lbs in 3 weeks is still 5 lbs. And as Brad says, "Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, change happens." True. But that doesn't mean that the slow time isn't hard. I have to stay focused on the fact that the change is happening. And that change is COMPLETELY in my control.

A bit bruised...

I ate a doughnut. I really don't know what to say about it. I feel like I let Evan down. I let Scott and Brad down. I let myself down. But the guilt doesn't do anyone any good so I am writing this to process my thoughts so I can turn this into a springboard for good instead of an excuse to quit. I've done that before and I don't want to do it again. Please understand, this is humiliating. I don't like to admit to failure - even for just a fleeting moment.

First, you should know that the doughnut was amazing. I wish I could say that it wasn't that good or that it made me physically ill. It didn't. It was as good as I wanted it to be. There is this place near our house that has a maple bacon bar. My sister-in-law lives in Arizona and dreams of this place. It is that good. I have driven by Frost (the name of the doughnut shop) a few times in the last month, but haven't gone in. I can say, though, that it is ALWAYS a temptation.

Monday, however, was different. I had to go to the grocery store and stopped at the one across from Frost. Evan knew I was stopping and didn't really know when I'd be home. I had this window of "opportunity." Time to go to Frost, buy and eat a doughnut and no one would know. Why did I do it? I don't know. It sounded good. It was Valentine's Day. I "deserved" it because I had been working so hard. Something lame like that.

But, the problem really wasn't the doughnut - one doughnut is not going to kill me. It was the behavior. As I was driving home, I realized how much like an addict I was. Sneaking and lying. It all happened really quickly. Sometime between leaving the grocery store and the time I walked into Frost, I was able to justify the behavior. And let myself down. For a doughnut - a maple bar with bacon, yes. But a doughnut nonetheless.

The second I got to a red light, I text Scott to tell him. Then, the minute I got home, I told Evan what had happened. Not that telling them takes it away, but it certainly changes the behavior from what I would have done a month ago. That is the only way to make this different from every other time I have messed up. I'm human and it's going to happen. But I don't want the guilt to turn into a spiral and a reason to just give up. I need the guilt (and it was some HEAVY guilt) to become a deterrent from a repeat offense.

I was supposed to weigh in today. I told Evan to keep the scale hidden. I didn't see a point in weighing myself today - it couldn't do me any good. If I had lost weight, it might have reinforced that "cheating" isn't that big of a deal. If I had gained weight, the emotion could translate into giving up.

So, one more week with no weigh in. One more battle fought and this one with a less-than-happy outcome. But today and tomorrow, I am still on track and that is more than I could say for myself before this. Even though my emotions are a bit bruised, I'm still moving forward. And I'm really proud of myself for that.

Healthy Habits

While ringing up our groceries this morning, the lady at Safeway said, "Oh, you really eat healthy. You got only healthy food. Good job!" Not sure why she commented - if it was just because we don't LOOK healthy, or if she tries to eat healthy, so she noticed. I don't know. What I do know is that I thought it was interesting. No one has ever commented on my groceries before - and we've tried to eat healthy lots of times. Here was our grocery list:

Greek Yogurt
Mushrooms
Onions
Asparagus
Zucchini
Turkey Bacon
Chicken
Oatmeal (for the babies)
Strawberries
Lemons
Apples
Oranges
Spinach
Milk (babies)
Eggs
Canned Fruit (babies)

I hadn't spent the time to think of it, but the grocery store is where it all starts. If you are bringing healthy foods into your home, you are bringing healthy foods into your body. After a while, (some days it feels like a LONG while) your body becomes healthier. I've heard you should try to stay on the perimeter of the grocery store - where the food is less processed. The majority of our list is there. No preservatives, no additives. Making my own food gives me the control to know what is going in my body.

Also, we've been taking the babies and dogs for a walk everyday. Not super easy in Seattle, but we do it. It takes quite a few layers of clothing and some velcro to keep everything on our children, but it has been worth it. They say it takes 3 weeks to create a new habit. Tomorrow will mark Day 30 on the Love-Centered Diet. Would I dare say we have created new healthy habits?

Healthy choices translate into healthy habits. Through example, we teach those habits to our children and those around us. And that is what this is all about for me.

Body Mapping

No, no one died. We are all alive and well. When I talked to Scott last night, he asked me to do a body map. Brad talks about body maps in his book, Just 10 LBS. As you can see in the picture, I drew an outline of what I thought I looked like with my arms at my side. This is the black line on the outside. Then, Evan, came in and drew a line (red on the inside) of what I really looked like. (Brad, I do wish that I could do this with my arms out. One thing I DO have going for me is my bodacious curvy curves. I like to think of myself as a plus-size Jessica Rabbit and this body map makes me look like an apple on a toothpick, which I am not. *wink, wink*)

I was shocked to see that I thought my legs were so much bigger than they were. Also shocking, and maybe more so, was the fact that I did pretty good in my estimation of the rest of my body. I am not sure how I would have done 2 months ago - I have a really weird body perception. It is hard for me to know what I really look like.

After I saw myself on The View, I apologized to Evan. I really didn't know that I had gotten that big. I mean, I knew, I just didn't know, you know? I've always thought I looked bigger or smaller than I really do. Now that I am losing weight (and have to be near the 20 lb mark) I wish more people would notice. It is hard to see 20 pounds on someone that needs to lose over 100 - but after almost a month of hard work and sacrifice, it would be nice if someone's jaw would drop or something when they see me. And not because I said something inappropriate, (tee hee) but because they think I am wasting away to practically nothing.

The last few days have been pretty rough. Nothing major, I guess, but I can certainly feel that I am going through "a phase." I feel like if I can JUST pull through this next little bit, get over this hump of sorts, things will get easier. I was telling my in-laws about this today and Evan agreed. I think we've done "diets" before for 3 weeks but never longer without taking a "break." (Most of our breaks are 2-3 months long and full of chocolate.) Getting through this 4 weeks slump will make us or break us.

I've just found myself wanting foods more. Cravings are coming more often and giving up is frequently on my mind. Justification, excuses, you name it. That's been a common theme this week. I passed a Walgreens today where Snickers bars were being advertised on the marquee for 49 cents. (Curse Walgreens.) I literally had to call Evan twice and have him talk me through it. Snickers really do satisfy. But for only so long.

So, onward. Actually, this week, upward. One day at a time, one meal at a time.

Saying goodbye

Evan and I tried on all of our clothes and filled a basket with clothes that are too big for us. I have always kept my clothes before because I am too cheap to buy more and I have never believed in myself enough to think that I would never need them again. History repeats itself, you know? This time, we are saying goodbye. It was harder than I thought it would be.

Evan is sad that we have to "spend money" to buy him new clothes, but he'll have to get over it. My hot husband had better look good! That is a non-negotiable for me. We have had to triple our clothing budget for the next few months in order to have enough money to not be naked. No one really wants to see that. Yet. I did let him keep his one shirt he has had since high school. But only for looking at - it is not to be worn. I think a good rule of thumb is - if you can see through it, you don't wear it. I mean, at least at our age, eh?

"Spaghetti" Just 10 style

My friend, Kristine, emailed me and told me about something she made for dinner, so I thought I'd try to create my own version. It was something different and yummy, so I thought I'd share. Thanks for the idea, Kristine!

1 4 lb. spaghetti squash, baked, boiled or steamed (we ate less than half between the two of us)
lean ground beef cooked and fat removed (4 oz. each person)
1 can chopped tomatoes (you could use crushed or diced)
1 onion, chopped
1 clove garlic, chopped
1 Tbls dried basil
1/2 Tbls. dried oregano
1/2 tea. thyme
1/4 tea. marjoram
salt to taste

Cook the onion and garlic with cooking spray until soft. Add tomatoes and spices and simmer until flavors blend. Add ground beef. Serve over "noodles."

This is war

Brad and Scott came to visit yesterday. It was good to see them, to see how great Scott looked, to feel their calming, kind spirits and to have Evan meet them both. When they left, I felt empty. I had a really hard time last night - I didn't feel energized and ready for the next 10 lbs as I thought I would, I felt...sad. I couldn't explain it. Everything was great when they were here. We were able to pick their brains, talk about what is working and what isn't, get some great tips, have some laughs, cry some tears, etc.

After we put the babies to bed, I had to go get some groceries. We were out of some staples - greek yogurt, salad greens, etc. On my way, I couldn't understand why I felt so bad. I thought about it all during my trip to the grocery store and back. When I got home, I tried to articulate my thoughts to Evan and they weren't coming out right. And then I understood. The cavalry had left. I am in a huge war - me vs. my emotions and old habits. I have won some battles and lost some. And I have support from some wonderful people. Scott and Brad coming was exciting for me - I had someone (besides Evan) to talk to, to ask questions. Then they left. And my anxiety returned.

I'm feeling better today - maybe because I understand that each day I learn and grow and become stronger. But at this particular moment, I feel a tad weak. I am sure that is because we haven't had dinner yet. Also, it is a Friday and Fridays tend to be triggers for us to eat poorly. And, tomorrow would have been my mom's 67th birthday.

Brad asked me if fear of becoming like my mom is motivation for me. I don't know why, but it isn't. It isn't that I don't see my mom in me. I do - sometimes to the point that it is scary. I just don't see her health in me. I can't believe that I will allow myself to get so sick. Obviously, I have gotten quite heavy, but for better or worse, I don't let fear motivate me. What I DO let motivate me is the hope that I can change for my children. I DO get motivated by the thought that my mom is rooting for me. That she wishes she could have broken this horrible cycle so that I didn't have to live a life with pain in it. I am motivated by the hope that I can do what she wasn't able to.

My mom was gorgeous. She was selfless, kind, friendly and loved doing things for other people. She obviously didn't have the strength that it took to stop this cycle, but what she DID do is raise me with that strength. She believed I could do anything and she didn't make that any sort of secret. She loved me with all of her heart and thought I was far more talented, beautiful and special than I have ever thought I was. She taught me so many things by example - how to be a good mom, how to love, how to host a good party. And she taught me other things without example. For all of her attempts, failed and not, I honor her. I appreciate her. And I hope she is proud of me.

My mom lost her war. But not before she taught me so many of the lessons I would need to fight my own. So, not for fear, but for hope, I will win my war to honor my mother.

Ode to Scale

Oh, my dear friend, Scale, how I miss you so!
Although our relationship has ups and downs, it sucks you had to go.
Scott and Brad said we had to stop meeting every day,
So my husband took the advice to heart and hid you far away.
I miss you almost as much as chocolate’s smooth, sweet taste.
But not enough, my friend, dear Scale, to find your hiding place.
You have given me good news before, but most often it was bad.
Wanting to put myself through that again must mean I’m going mad.
So for now, my friend, just stay away, so I can focus more on me.
And when my husband pulls you out, I will cheer for victory!