My eating style

Just 10 lbs talks about different eating styles. As I have been working on my journal, I took the test to find out which style I was. There are 6 styles: emotional, energy, pleasure, external and critical. I am a mix of 4 styles. FOUR. I think it takes a special talent to love eating so much that you capture 4/6 styles. Geez - no wonder I've had issues with my weight. Happy? Eat. Sad? Eat. See food? Eat. Craving? Eat. I guess that has been apparent to the world - don't know why it took someone telling me to figure it out. I would bet that the rest of my family members are the same types. I know my mom was.

People have said I look like my mom lately. Probably due to being on the show, etc. I'm fine with that, because she was a beautiful woman. But sometimes when I think about it, it makes me feel bad. Do they mean that I am big like she was? Big and pretty? That's not my goal. Don't get me wrong, my mom was a wonderful woman - and tried SO hard to be a good mom. I would say she succeeded. But at the same time, I feel jealous of her that she had a time in her life that she KNEW she was beautiful. Other women were jealous of her beauty. I've never felt that - ever. Everyone in my family has had a "thin" time. All of them were thin in high school. Not me - I've been "just like my mom" since I was born. I was chubby in pre-school, grade school, high school and college. I wondered if anyone could ever love me. School was hard. I have blocked many years of my life from my memory because I don't want to remember how tough it was. It took me hitting rock bottom when I was 23 to force me to counseling. That is where I learned who I was and started to build the life I have. If I was healthy, it would be the life I've always dreamed of.

I have a high self-esteem about my personality, my intelligence, my capabilities, etc. But when it comes to my physical appearance, there needs to be some work done. I am learning to appreciate my body. Love it. After all, it brought me the two most wonderful little ones in the world. Evan loves me and is attracted to me, so there must be something there.

They say to "fake it until you make it." This is my plan. I am feeding my body as if I loved it completely and that love continues to grow each day. I have abused myself for so many years because I didn't think my body was worth anything else. But it is. And remembering that on a minute-by-minute basis is the hard part.

The first 10

It's been quite a busy and emotional week. Today, I begged my husband to pull the scale out of the abyss (he has to hide it from me because I can get a wee bit obsessed) so I could see if I hit my first Just 10 goal. I was SO close last time I weighed - I couldn't stand not celebrating if I had hit my goal. Lo and behold, I HAD! I jumped all around and had a mini-celebration right there in the bathroom. The babies clapped - although they clap when they play in the toilet, too. I then hugged my husband and thanked him for his support. My support team (aka all of YOU) has been the one constant difference from any other weight loss attempt I've had. And I rewarded myself today with lunch with a dear friend and a well-past-due pedicure.

I've been struck this week at how much easier it is to be successful when those around me know my goal. I told Dave today at lunch that I don't think people talk about sex, money or dieting enough. I think that in the right setting, with the right choice of topics, it is healthy to speak out about those things. I've never told so many people what my goals were before - for fear of judgement, mocking, misunderstanding, whatever. This time - well, I told America. :)

It has been an interesting social experiment, though. I can't tell you how many people have asked me what I am doing, what I am learning, how the book was, etc. Seems once YOU are honest with someone about your desire to become healthy, THEY are more open to discussing it with you. And this has been such a blessing. First, I know I'm not alone - I'm not the freak that I have sometimes thought I was. (Even super-fit Dave admitted to being a stress eater) Second, I have enough people to be accountable to that the chances of messing up are quite slim. Trust me. If I even thought of cheating - I know which of my friends would be all over me - tearing carbohydrates out of my shaking hands.

My niece's 2nd birthday is tomorrow. Per tradition, we are all going to have dinner together. My sister-in-law and brother called to find out what I could eat. I gave them the rules of the Love-Centered Diet and they planned the menu around it. I apologized. I don't know why, really. I guess I don't want to make anyone feel that I am forcing them to accommodate me. But my sister-in-law told me, "It's okay. That's what we should all be eating anyway." Amen, sister. (No pun intended.) Brad has mentioned that through my lifestyle change, I can have an affect on those around me - including my family. And at the first test, my family passed with flying colors. They don't want me to fail. They want to support me because they love me. They don't love me enough to not have cake, but enough to make me fruit salad instead. :)

At work, we have a cafeteria where we can get breakfast and lunch. The chef, Shane, is constantly trying to make everyone happy. Of course, cooking for 1,000 people (and different and sometimes whiny taste buds) a day is tough. I told him about Brad's book and how I was eating. He now has a "Cara menu" for when I am in a catered meeting so that I can continue to stay on course. The other morning, I didn't have time to pack a lunch, so I asked him if he could prepare me something that day for lunch. When I went in to eat, I saw that he had put my meal on the menu! By the time I got there at noon, he had already sold 15! He told me that every Wednesday, he is going to do a special "Just 10" lunch for me and the rest of my co-workers.

None of those things would have happened if I hadn't been brave enough to tell those around me what my challenges and goals were. Was it embarrassing to go on national television and admit that I had a food addiction? Um - yes. (Quite, actually.) But did it start a snowball of change in my life? Yes. And for that, I will always be grateful.

10 down. And starting today, 10 more to go.

Reaching...

Today is a better day. And as I woke up this morning (to my son’s ever-too-early “dah, dah, dahs”), I was amazed at the lack of guilt I had. It was one of the weirdest and best things I’ve ever experienced. Guilt from eating on a bad day happens so often for me that it has become the norm. It was amazing to feel good about yesterday and optimistic about today. I’m not feeling guilty for making wrong choices. I’m not forced to recommit myself to this new lifestyle because I STAYED committed. Instead of falling or giving up, I asked for help and support. I told Brad and Scott that I was reaching. And I really was – I felt myself falling, giving up, caving into myself. It was just a hard day and dealing with it emotionally was SO much harder than eating something. The support unit was the key for me. I didn’t even hear from them until last night, but KNOWING I could ask, that I could reach, helped me. Evan helped me during the day and the reserve team backed him up that night. Funny that it takes 4 people to get me through a bad day. Geesh.

I had a small victory yesterday – actually, I think it could be considered a large victory. With Scott and Brad’s help, I am learning that (as Scott put it) “the result is a function of the process.” And I am so used to striving for excellence that I want the end, the result. And, I work really hard in my life to make sure I am getting it. This whole “journey” thing can get rough – I just want the Cliff Notes version, please.

I asked Evan the other day how many Spinach salads he thought we would eat in the next 90 days. His response? “180.” :) Funny Evan. How many small battles and victories am I going to have in the coming months? It seems like a number too high to count. Now, I just need to make sure that each battle ends with a victory. I have a whole new respect for ex-smokers or recovering alcoholics and drug addicts. Being thin and healthy better be FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC!

Day 11

Day 11 and I've hit a snag. It's been tough before this, but something is different. Or the same - meaning the same as every other time - and it scares me to death. I gained a pound this morning. Anxiety creeped in. Scott says to breathe. I tried not to think about it, but I was in a funk all day. Why do I let it consume me? The difference this time is that I didn't quit. Those of you who know me know I'm not a quitter. Except with this. I've quit more weight loss attempts than I have hairs on my head.

Per Scott's advice, I am hiding the scale. I need to trust in the journey. Trust in my body. Trust myself. Believe in myself. Can I actually do that? Do I have the strength? Today is over. I made it, I made good decisions. Now for tomorrow. One day at a time. Good decisions tomorrow.

Too fast

My daughter is a beautiful little girl. She is shy, thoughtful, kind and her laugh could make Scrooge smile. She is a picky eater, a Daddy's girl and loves to snuggle. With twins, it takes quite an effort to not compare the two babies. The "happy one," "evil twin" and "easy one" are not words we use in our home because we want them to be individuals and know they are important and loved on their own and in their own way.

However, I am a first-time parent. I have nothing to compare "normal" to except for my other child's normal. This has come in handy before...like, after my son started teething, I could see the signs easier for my daughter. When my daughter started wanting only one nap, it was easier to make the transition for both.

On the flip side, this has been problematic in the past. My son says more words than my daughter. My daughter knows more body parts than my son. Most recently, my son started walking sooner. A lot sooner. He started walking on his own around Thanksgiving but my daughter has JUST now started to walk on her own in the last few days. This morning, as she stood up to walk to a toy she saw across the room, I thought, "Whew - she is doing great. Like she's been walking forever." I realized that I had been stressing about her timeline. I don't know why - they already are growing up too fast. And I started to wonder why I was mentally pushing her to walk sooner than she was ready for.

In our society, we want things now. NOW, now. Not like "in 5 minutes now." I tend to be pretty bad at this myself. If I ask my husband to do something, I mean now, not "when he's done" with whatever he's doing. (We're working on that in order to maintain my husband's sanity.) At work, I hate having to wait for answers. And, since starting this journey just 9 days ago, I have caught myself wondering why I wasn't thin already.

What I realized today watching her walk was that things will come when all of the criteria have been met. She has been working SO hard at walking. Balance didn't come to her as easily as it did for her brother. Her left leg turns out a bit and she has a hard time getting it to "work" right. AND, she had a Daddy that was willing to hold her anytime she wanted because she is SO danged cute.

I have to work just as hard to learn how to eat again. What I have known for 32 years was wrong, so much like learning a new language or a new skill, it will take practice. I can't expect myself to be a superstar overnight. And, this does NOT come easily to me. I was not taught portion sizes or the correct way to deal with emotions as a child. Finally, I have a genetic pull towards obesity and people around me who want me to cook for and eat with them. This is an uphill battle. If being thin and healthy was easy, EVERYONE would be thin and healthy. In America, though, it is quite the contrary. I need to have patience with myself and take it one day, one meal, one pound at a time. Thank you to all of you for being on my team. It means more than I could ever say.

Constant Motivation

I have lost 8 lbs. in 6 days. That's pretty danged fabulous. I understand in my mind that it can't continue at that rate, but the last three days, the scale hasn't moved. Add on top of that the fact that when Evan took my measurements, they weren't any smaller than a month ago. Motivation has been a bit tough for me the last few days. Triggers have been more often and I couldn't figure out why. I refrained from stealing a graham cracker out of my kids' hands, but (no need to call CPS) I thought about it.

In the past, some of my motivation has come from success. Today, I realized that THAT is one of the reasons why after a few weeks, I give up. For me, plateau = time to cheat. This morning, I was SURE that the scale would have budged. I was wrong. Instead of being frustrated, however, I thought, "It's okay. My body needs a few days to catch up." Then, I got on the treadmill. In his book, Brad talks about moving meditation - moving without music, reading or other forms of distraction - so I ditched my workout mix and just walked. And while I was just walking, I realized that my source of motivation has been a really bad one.

Playing off of Brad's term, "moving meditation," I was using "moving motivation." How could I expect to stay motivated when I was having a bad day? THAT is the time I needed the MOST motivation. And, in the past, that was the time I was giving up. During my moving mediation time, I realized that I need to be motivated by something steadfast. Constant. Like my husband and kids. Like my desire to have a healthy body. Those are constants in my life. Pretty big epiphany today. I realized how wrong I have been and how I was setting myself up to fail every single time I started.

Just do it

The Just 10 lbs workbook asks the question: “Describe a situation where you faced an unexpected challenge and succeeded.” Thoughts started racing through my mind as I tried to think of a time I feel like I succeeded. Why is it human nature (or is it just MY nature) to think about myself negatively? If I was asked about times I failed, I could come up with a list a mile long – but for a list of my successes? That’s not so easy. I swear that this is why so many people take Prozac. :) We don’t feel good enough – we’re constantly trying to improve and never just accepting where we are and what we’ve done. And when I FORCE myself to think about the good, SHOCKINGLY, there IS good. I am good. I do succeed. I do well enough sometimes. We so easily see “good” in other people and have the hardest time seeing it in ourselves.

To date, the most unexpected challenge I have had is to be the mother of twins. TWINS. I always tell people who ask that twins are truly proof that God exists and that He has a sense of humor.

It is funny how twins are so fascinating to those who aren’t close to some in their own lives. I remember walking through Costco when the babies were maybe 4 months old. I am a working mom. Saturdays are the only day I have to get things done. And this lady stopped me to talk about how cute they were, how I got twins, what it was like, etc. For some reason, this is normal to us now. (We’ve even had strangers take pictures of them…) Walking with twins is like walking with mini-celebrities.

On this particular day, however, all I could think was, “Lady, of ALL the people in this store, I am the LAST one who has time to sit here and talk to you. Do you have ANY idea how much energy and time it takes to have twins!?” Of course, I didn’t say this. I smiled, and talked to her with my teeth grinding the whole time.

So twins were unexpected and challenging. Not sure that with only 16 months under my belt I could say I have succeeded. But, I can say that I didn’t die. And, believe me, there were times I thought I would. Or wished I could. :) Sleep deprivation makes you a tad nutso. The first month of their lives, Evan was gone 10 hours a day. I would just feed one, feed the other, pump, and then have 15 minutes to eat, nap, change diapers, clean, whatever before it all started again. All day – all night. I can’t say I loved every minute of it, but I loved every minute of THEM and they are the greatest joys of my life.

People ask me how I do it. I just do it. Any mother of multiples would tell you the same thing. Heck, any mother would tell you the same thing. You just do it because you have to and because there is something inside of you pushing you.

What does this have to do with weight loss? Well, I ask myself how I will do it. And this time, I will just do it. Because I have to. And the something pushing this time isn’t inside of me, but it is those two children that have caused me so many tears of joy and frustration. I want them to have a happy, healthy mom. I want them to learn how to deal with emotion and how to be healthy themselves. This journey I am on was not unexpected, but the way I got here certainly was a surprise.

RCCM

I have been on more “diets” than I care to think about. Some crazy, some less crazy. Atkins worked – but I could only stay on it for limited amounts of time. Cravings for pastries, etc. were BAD on Atkins. Our last Atkins adventure ended with doughnuts. We had been on Atkins for about 3 weeks. We had both lost quite a bit of weight – like 10+ lbs each. One night, someone on the Food Network made doughnuts. Then, there was a grocery store ad for doughnuts. Then I think I saw someone eating doughnuts or mentioning them. I literally lost control. Looking back, it is quite comical. At the time, though, you would have thought Evan and I were rabid dogs. I talked him into going to the store to get doughnuts. “We’ll go right back on Atkins tomorrow,” I told him. It didn’t take too much convincing. We drove together to Fry’s where we bought 2 dozen old-fashioned glazed and RAN to the car. Before we were out of the parking lot, we had both eaten 3. A literal doughnut-fest. Crumbs flying everywhere – hands to mouths and back to doughnuts – complete loss of humanity. That was a true low-point for us. I haven’t been back down the Atkins road since then, mainly because I knew it would end badly.

Nutrisystem? Been there, done that. Jenny Craig? Same. Done vegetarian, only exercising, trying to not think about food, and, more often than not, Weight Watchers. To be honest, Weight Watchers wins my vote. The problem with any of it, though is if you want to cheat, you can. With all of these things, it is not only eating right and exercising, but the self-control and mastery. That is the piece I’ve been missing. I can only go so long on sheer will.

In the recipe for weight-loss, it is easy to note that things like movement and vegetables belong. I think it is obvious to everyone that sugar should be in moderation and spinach becomes a staple. Then it starts getting a bit fuzzy. It’s the mental piece that breaks down. I think that is why even some people on shows like The Biggest Loser gain weight back. If your weight is an outward reflection of a self-numbing, until you figure out how to deal with whatever is creating the need to numb, whatever else you do won’t last.

At work, we do what is called Root Cause/Countermeasure. RCCM for short. Essentially, it is a way to fix something that is broken. And there are short-term countermeasures and long-term. Band-aids and real fixes. And during my time here, I’ve seen some short-term countermeasures that have screwed things up worse than before. I think that’s how my life has been. I’ve been “dieting” without really asking the questions to find out the root cause. I’ve thought about what that thing was, but I haven’t been able to find it. With Brad and Scott’s help, I can figure it out. One thing I have learned is that HOPE is a part of it. When I lose hope, (much like after the doughnut frenzy) I lose motivation. I lose will. One thing I have right now is hope. And I am holding on to it for dear life.

Triggers Happen

Last night when I got home from work, I was hungry. Today at work, there was fruit cake in the common area and it made me want some. Did you hear me!? Fruit cake. That is pathetic. I can honestly say that I have NEVER before wanted some fruit cake. Aren't there songs about how bad fruit cake is? That's obviously why someone brought it to the common area. You could put all your unwanted See's candies there that have bites out of them and they'd get eaten there.

That led me to ask myself WHY those things were triggers? Obviously, I am eating less and I haven't had processed sugar for 5 days. As for last night though, here are my thoughts: like a smoker who needs a cigarette after a meal or when they are drinking, I have always eaten when I got home from work. For whatever reason. But when I stopped to think about whether I was really hungry or just mentally hungry, I had to be honest - it was all in my head. So the trick here isn't not eating (because that would stop working after a few days), it is training myself to ask if I'm REALLY hungry instead of just eating because I got home from work. Getting home from work isn't a reason to eat. Hunger is. Physical hunger. Can I ask myself that question everytime I'm hungry? I honestly don't know. I haven't been able to for 32 years. But old habits die hard and I'm doing my best to kill them.

And for the fruit cake - don't judge. It WAS right before lunch, so that is what I'm thinking happened, but still. I'm ashamed. For some reason, I feel shame admitting that I wanted a piece of fruit cake. Like I might as well admit I wanted to dig in the trash can behind a Dunkin' Doughnuts or something. I might feel less shame with that! But I figured out that when I am REALLY hungry and it is time to feed my body, my will power is weaker than at other times. For me and what I am doing, that doesn't mean to snack on something else as that might trigger me in and of itself. I think all that means is that I have to focus, ask myself some questions and be HONEST in my answers to myself.

Brad says in his book (and Scott reminded me last night) that the human mind has the incredible ability to justify things. We know that we shouldn't eat 6 cookies at a sitting. But somehow, we are able to justify to ourselves that just this time isn't going to be a big deal. Or that we'll make sure and workout the next day. Yet all of those "justifications" have led me here. If not treated right, triggers lead to justifications which lead to weight gain.

They say, "s--- happens." True. But it's how you deal with it that defines you. So I say, "triggers happen." And it is whether I justify them or not that defines my waistline.

Addicts

Evan and I have both had headaches the last few days. Not a BAD headache, but worth mentioning. We're pretty sure it is our bodies detoxing from sugar. Brad treats overweight people like he would treat a drug addict - and this reaction from my body certainly helps his case.

I have thought in the past about drug addicts and compared myself to them. I wondered, "If a drug addict can stop using, why can't I stop eating?" I know some people who have stopped smoking. And, even though I try not to judge, I find myself thinking that I am more intelligent or capable than some of those people. I mean, if they can do it, shouldn't I be able to? Aren't people who start smoking or using drugs less intelligent than I am because they started doing something that they KNEW was stupid? And yet, here I am. Barely fitting into airplane seats and not recognizing myself in pictures. What is that ONE thing you have to find in yourself or that ONE thing that has to happen to you to finally get you to stop hurting yourself? I still don't know the answer.

We had a nanny that we found out was a cutter. This person no longer cares for our children, but that always has seemed so odd to me - cutting yourself to numb the pain or stress of life. In reality, though, (cue epiphany) that's what I've been doing. And my way of numbing is obvious to EVERYONE - even those from across the room. I can't just wear long sleeves. Man, if only it was that easy to cover up...

Another question, then: What is it that I'm trying to numb from? My childhood (besides being teased for being fat) was great. My marriage is perfect. I have two wonderful children. My family loves me, most of the time. I know and have a relationship with my Father in Heaven. Is it possible that being chubby as a kid and the pain I felt from that spiraled into my current weight?

Here I sit - Day 4 of the "Love-Centered Diet" and down almost 6 pounds. I will say this - 6 lbs gives quite the motivation. And, although I wouldn't say it was easy, (especially watching my cute and pregnant sister-in-law eat Frost doughnuts this morning) I would say that it hasn't been too bad. And it has TOTALLY been worth it. 60% of the first 10 completed. That feels pretty good, even if this headache doesn't.

It's amazing...

It's amazing how much people watch what you eat when you go in front of America and tell them that you are trying to lose weight. After the show viewed on Friday, I went to get a grilled chicken breast from the cafeteria at Fluke to supplement my salad. On my way back to my desk, no less than 6 people commented on my food.

It's amazing how sweet an orange is when you aren't eating processed sugar. Or how much you can appreciate a breast of chicken when it is the only protein you are eating in your meal and you are only eating 4 ounces...
Finally, it's amazing how much more I noticed the sights and smells of food today at Pike Place Market. Evan's family is all up from Arizona for the weekend and we took them to Pike Place to look around. I have been to Pike's more than a dozen times and have always snacked on the samples and eaten whatever everyone else was eating. Today, the family ate fresh doughnuts, macaroni and cheese, mexican food and pizza while I ate the food I had commited to last night. As I was walking through the market, I felt my senses heightened...smells were stronger, colors brighter, the air even seemed cooler. I will be honest - it was TOUGH. All I could think of was how good the pastries smelled or how yummy the melted cheese on the pasta looked. It seemed that around every corner was a temptation, like the universe wanted to test me. And any other time I have tried to lose weight, I would have given in and eaten one or two or all of those things. But not today. Today, I triumphed. And, I look forward to my next trip to Pike's Market, when the smells are not such a temptation, but the other senses make it an even more enjoyable trip.

The call that started it all...

I have a friend named Scott Lamm that I worked with at Wade Cook about 12 years ago. I have been following him on Facebook for several months. I found out that his brother, Brad Lamm, is a contributing expert for the Dr. Oz show. He wrote a book about weight loss called Just 10 Pounds, for which Dr. Oz wrote the foreword. This book came out on Wednesday, January 5th. Scott posted about it on Facebook and I ordered the book and commented to Scott that I was looking forward to its arrival. Out of the blue, Scott called me on Thursday night at about 5 PM, January 6th and asked me about my weight loss journey. After I told him all that I had been through, including my failed attempts (the lapband, etc.) and my mother's struggle, he asked me to be on the show with his brother. In return, they would coach me and give me the tools necessary to be successful in this attempt. I had 2 hours to make a decision.

I was very nervous. This is something so personal - especially about my mom. I wasn't sure I wanted to share my story with America. However, I want to have the tools to be able to teach Vienna and Carter how to cope with emotions, both good and bad, without turning to food. At this point in my life, I don't know how to do that. I would do anything to be able to give them a happy and healthy life - including "air my dirty laundry" on National TV.

Friday morning was a whirlwind. I had several phone interviews, including one with Rachel, a producer of The View. This was kind of an audition. Bottom line, they thought that the public would relate to my story and wanted me to share it. I flew to New York on Tuesday the 11th, taped the show on Wednesday and it aired on Friday.

I hope that if you have time, you will watch so that I can feel that I have friends watching me instead of judgemental strangers. I hope that will make me feel a bit calmer. I also hope that you will support me in this journey - it has been a long road and I feel like there is finally light at the end of the tunnel.