This is war

Brad and Scott came to visit yesterday. It was good to see them, to see how great Scott looked, to feel their calming, kind spirits and to have Evan meet them both. When they left, I felt empty. I had a really hard time last night - I didn't feel energized and ready for the next 10 lbs as I thought I would, I felt...sad. I couldn't explain it. Everything was great when they were here. We were able to pick their brains, talk about what is working and what isn't, get some great tips, have some laughs, cry some tears, etc.

After we put the babies to bed, I had to go get some groceries. We were out of some staples - greek yogurt, salad greens, etc. On my way, I couldn't understand why I felt so bad. I thought about it all during my trip to the grocery store and back. When I got home, I tried to articulate my thoughts to Evan and they weren't coming out right. And then I understood. The cavalry had left. I am in a huge war - me vs. my emotions and old habits. I have won some battles and lost some. And I have support from some wonderful people. Scott and Brad coming was exciting for me - I had someone (besides Evan) to talk to, to ask questions. Then they left. And my anxiety returned.

I'm feeling better today - maybe because I understand that each day I learn and grow and become stronger. But at this particular moment, I feel a tad weak. I am sure that is because we haven't had dinner yet. Also, it is a Friday and Fridays tend to be triggers for us to eat poorly. And, tomorrow would have been my mom's 67th birthday.

Brad asked me if fear of becoming like my mom is motivation for me. I don't know why, but it isn't. It isn't that I don't see my mom in me. I do - sometimes to the point that it is scary. I just don't see her health in me. I can't believe that I will allow myself to get so sick. Obviously, I have gotten quite heavy, but for better or worse, I don't let fear motivate me. What I DO let motivate me is the hope that I can change for my children. I DO get motivated by the thought that my mom is rooting for me. That she wishes she could have broken this horrible cycle so that I didn't have to live a life with pain in it. I am motivated by the hope that I can do what she wasn't able to.

My mom was gorgeous. She was selfless, kind, friendly and loved doing things for other people. She obviously didn't have the strength that it took to stop this cycle, but what she DID do is raise me with that strength. She believed I could do anything and she didn't make that any sort of secret. She loved me with all of her heart and thought I was far more talented, beautiful and special than I have ever thought I was. She taught me so many things by example - how to be a good mom, how to love, how to host a good party. And she taught me other things without example. For all of her attempts, failed and not, I honor her. I appreciate her. And I hope she is proud of me.

My mom lost her war. But not before she taught me so many of the lessons I would need to fight my own. So, not for fear, but for hope, I will win my war to honor my mother.