A bit bruised...

I ate a doughnut. I really don't know what to say about it. I feel like I let Evan down. I let Scott and Brad down. I let myself down. But the guilt doesn't do anyone any good so I am writing this to process my thoughts so I can turn this into a springboard for good instead of an excuse to quit. I've done that before and I don't want to do it again. Please understand, this is humiliating. I don't like to admit to failure - even for just a fleeting moment.

First, you should know that the doughnut was amazing. I wish I could say that it wasn't that good or that it made me physically ill. It didn't. It was as good as I wanted it to be. There is this place near our house that has a maple bacon bar. My sister-in-law lives in Arizona and dreams of this place. It is that good. I have driven by Frost (the name of the doughnut shop) a few times in the last month, but haven't gone in. I can say, though, that it is ALWAYS a temptation.

Monday, however, was different. I had to go to the grocery store and stopped at the one across from Frost. Evan knew I was stopping and didn't really know when I'd be home. I had this window of "opportunity." Time to go to Frost, buy and eat a doughnut and no one would know. Why did I do it? I don't know. It sounded good. It was Valentine's Day. I "deserved" it because I had been working so hard. Something lame like that.

But, the problem really wasn't the doughnut - one doughnut is not going to kill me. It was the behavior. As I was driving home, I realized how much like an addict I was. Sneaking and lying. It all happened really quickly. Sometime between leaving the grocery store and the time I walked into Frost, I was able to justify the behavior. And let myself down. For a doughnut - a maple bar with bacon, yes. But a doughnut nonetheless.

The second I got to a red light, I text Scott to tell him. Then, the minute I got home, I told Evan what had happened. Not that telling them takes it away, but it certainly changes the behavior from what I would have done a month ago. That is the only way to make this different from every other time I have messed up. I'm human and it's going to happen. But I don't want the guilt to turn into a spiral and a reason to just give up. I need the guilt (and it was some HEAVY guilt) to become a deterrent from a repeat offense.

I was supposed to weigh in today. I told Evan to keep the scale hidden. I didn't see a point in weighing myself today - it couldn't do me any good. If I had lost weight, it might have reinforced that "cheating" isn't that big of a deal. If I had gained weight, the emotion could translate into giving up.

So, one more week with no weigh in. One more battle fought and this one with a less-than-happy outcome. But today and tomorrow, I am still on track and that is more than I could say for myself before this. Even though my emotions are a bit bruised, I'm still moving forward. And I'm really proud of myself for that.