Just 10 lbs talks about different eating styles. As I have been working on my journal, I took the test to find out which style I was. There are 6 styles: emotional, energy, pleasure, external and critical. I am a mix of 4 styles. FOUR. I think it takes a special talent to love eating so much that you capture 4/6 styles. Geez - no wonder I've had issues with my weight. Happy? Eat. Sad? Eat. See food? Eat. Craving? Eat. I guess that has been apparent to the world - don't know why it took someone telling me to figure it out. I would bet that the rest of my family members are the same types. I know my mom was.
People have said I look like my mom lately. Probably due to being on the show, etc. I'm fine with that, because she was a beautiful woman. But sometimes when I think about it, it makes me feel bad. Do they mean that I am big like she was? Big and pretty? That's not my goal. Don't get me wrong, my mom was a wonderful woman - and tried SO hard to be a good mom. I would say she succeeded. But at the same time, I feel jealous of her that she had a time in her life that she KNEW she was beautiful. Other women were jealous of her beauty. I've never felt that - ever. Everyone in my family has had a "thin" time. All of them were thin in high school. Not me - I've been "just like my mom" since I was born. I was chubby in pre-school, grade school, high school and college. I wondered if anyone could ever love me. School was hard. I have blocked many years of my life from my memory because I don't want to remember how tough it was. It took me hitting rock bottom when I was 23 to force me to counseling. That is where I learned who I was and started to build the life I have. If I was healthy, it would be the life I've always dreamed of.
I have a high self-esteem about my personality, my intelligence, my capabilities, etc. But when it comes to my physical appearance, there needs to be some work done. I am learning to appreciate my body. Love it. After all, it brought me the two most wonderful little ones in the world. Evan loves me and is attracted to me, so there must be something there.
They say to "fake it until you make it." This is my plan. I am feeding my body as if I loved it completely and that love continues to grow each day. I have abused myself for so many years because I didn't think my body was worth anything else. But it is. And remembering that on a minute-by-minute basis is the hard part.
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2 comments:
Just found this. I'm so proud.
First I wanted to congratulate you on losing your first ten pounds. :) Good job Cara! I'm so proud of you... and to be honest feeling motivated myself to get the rest of me into gear. My mom had a long talk with me about my eating habits and mentioned there are "groups" one can visit. I'm not sure if I'm comfortable enough to do that... but reading your blog makes me feel less isolated.
Thank you for writing this blog. :)
Love Nichole
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