My eating style

Just 10 lbs talks about different eating styles. As I have been working on my journal, I took the test to find out which style I was. There are 6 styles: emotional, energy, pleasure, external and critical. I am a mix of 4 styles. FOUR. I think it takes a special talent to love eating so much that you capture 4/6 styles. Geez - no wonder I've had issues with my weight. Happy? Eat. Sad? Eat. See food? Eat. Craving? Eat. I guess that has been apparent to the world - don't know why it took someone telling me to figure it out. I would bet that the rest of my family members are the same types. I know my mom was.

People have said I look like my mom lately. Probably due to being on the show, etc. I'm fine with that, because she was a beautiful woman. But sometimes when I think about it, it makes me feel bad. Do they mean that I am big like she was? Big and pretty? That's not my goal. Don't get me wrong, my mom was a wonderful woman - and tried SO hard to be a good mom. I would say she succeeded. But at the same time, I feel jealous of her that she had a time in her life that she KNEW she was beautiful. Other women were jealous of her beauty. I've never felt that - ever. Everyone in my family has had a "thin" time. All of them were thin in high school. Not me - I've been "just like my mom" since I was born. I was chubby in pre-school, grade school, high school and college. I wondered if anyone could ever love me. School was hard. I have blocked many years of my life from my memory because I don't want to remember how tough it was. It took me hitting rock bottom when I was 23 to force me to counseling. That is where I learned who I was and started to build the life I have. If I was healthy, it would be the life I've always dreamed of.

I have a high self-esteem about my personality, my intelligence, my capabilities, etc. But when it comes to my physical appearance, there needs to be some work done. I am learning to appreciate my body. Love it. After all, it brought me the two most wonderful little ones in the world. Evan loves me and is attracted to me, so there must be something there.

They say to "fake it until you make it." This is my plan. I am feeding my body as if I loved it completely and that love continues to grow each day. I have abused myself for so many years because I didn't think my body was worth anything else. But it is. And remembering that on a minute-by-minute basis is the hard part.

The first 10

It's been quite a busy and emotional week. Today, I begged my husband to pull the scale out of the abyss (he has to hide it from me because I can get a wee bit obsessed) so I could see if I hit my first Just 10 goal. I was SO close last time I weighed - I couldn't stand not celebrating if I had hit my goal. Lo and behold, I HAD! I jumped all around and had a mini-celebration right there in the bathroom. The babies clapped - although they clap when they play in the toilet, too. I then hugged my husband and thanked him for his support. My support team (aka all of YOU) has been the one constant difference from any other weight loss attempt I've had. And I rewarded myself today with lunch with a dear friend and a well-past-due pedicure.

I've been struck this week at how much easier it is to be successful when those around me know my goal. I told Dave today at lunch that I don't think people talk about sex, money or dieting enough. I think that in the right setting, with the right choice of topics, it is healthy to speak out about those things. I've never told so many people what my goals were before - for fear of judgement, mocking, misunderstanding, whatever. This time - well, I told America. :)

It has been an interesting social experiment, though. I can't tell you how many people have asked me what I am doing, what I am learning, how the book was, etc. Seems once YOU are honest with someone about your desire to become healthy, THEY are more open to discussing it with you. And this has been such a blessing. First, I know I'm not alone - I'm not the freak that I have sometimes thought I was. (Even super-fit Dave admitted to being a stress eater) Second, I have enough people to be accountable to that the chances of messing up are quite slim. Trust me. If I even thought of cheating - I know which of my friends would be all over me - tearing carbohydrates out of my shaking hands.

My niece's 2nd birthday is tomorrow. Per tradition, we are all going to have dinner together. My sister-in-law and brother called to find out what I could eat. I gave them the rules of the Love-Centered Diet and they planned the menu around it. I apologized. I don't know why, really. I guess I don't want to make anyone feel that I am forcing them to accommodate me. But my sister-in-law told me, "It's okay. That's what we should all be eating anyway." Amen, sister. (No pun intended.) Brad has mentioned that through my lifestyle change, I can have an affect on those around me - including my family. And at the first test, my family passed with flying colors. They don't want me to fail. They want to support me because they love me. They don't love me enough to not have cake, but enough to make me fruit salad instead. :)

At work, we have a cafeteria where we can get breakfast and lunch. The chef, Shane, is constantly trying to make everyone happy. Of course, cooking for 1,000 people (and different and sometimes whiny taste buds) a day is tough. I told him about Brad's book and how I was eating. He now has a "Cara menu" for when I am in a catered meeting so that I can continue to stay on course. The other morning, I didn't have time to pack a lunch, so I asked him if he could prepare me something that day for lunch. When I went in to eat, I saw that he had put my meal on the menu! By the time I got there at noon, he had already sold 15! He told me that every Wednesday, he is going to do a special "Just 10" lunch for me and the rest of my co-workers.

None of those things would have happened if I hadn't been brave enough to tell those around me what my challenges and goals were. Was it embarrassing to go on national television and admit that I had a food addiction? Um - yes. (Quite, actually.) But did it start a snowball of change in my life? Yes. And for that, I will always be grateful.

10 down. And starting today, 10 more to go.

Reaching...

Today is a better day. And as I woke up this morning (to my son’s ever-too-early “dah, dah, dahs”), I was amazed at the lack of guilt I had. It was one of the weirdest and best things I’ve ever experienced. Guilt from eating on a bad day happens so often for me that it has become the norm. It was amazing to feel good about yesterday and optimistic about today. I’m not feeling guilty for making wrong choices. I’m not forced to recommit myself to this new lifestyle because I STAYED committed. Instead of falling or giving up, I asked for help and support. I told Brad and Scott that I was reaching. And I really was – I felt myself falling, giving up, caving into myself. It was just a hard day and dealing with it emotionally was SO much harder than eating something. The support unit was the key for me. I didn’t even hear from them until last night, but KNOWING I could ask, that I could reach, helped me. Evan helped me during the day and the reserve team backed him up that night. Funny that it takes 4 people to get me through a bad day. Geesh.

I had a small victory yesterday – actually, I think it could be considered a large victory. With Scott and Brad’s help, I am learning that (as Scott put it) “the result is a function of the process.” And I am so used to striving for excellence that I want the end, the result. And, I work really hard in my life to make sure I am getting it. This whole “journey” thing can get rough – I just want the Cliff Notes version, please.

I asked Evan the other day how many Spinach salads he thought we would eat in the next 90 days. His response? “180.” :) Funny Evan. How many small battles and victories am I going to have in the coming months? It seems like a number too high to count. Now, I just need to make sure that each battle ends with a victory. I have a whole new respect for ex-smokers or recovering alcoholics and drug addicts. Being thin and healthy better be FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC!

Day 11

Day 11 and I've hit a snag. It's been tough before this, but something is different. Or the same - meaning the same as every other time - and it scares me to death. I gained a pound this morning. Anxiety creeped in. Scott says to breathe. I tried not to think about it, but I was in a funk all day. Why do I let it consume me? The difference this time is that I didn't quit. Those of you who know me know I'm not a quitter. Except with this. I've quit more weight loss attempts than I have hairs on my head.

Per Scott's advice, I am hiding the scale. I need to trust in the journey. Trust in my body. Trust myself. Believe in myself. Can I actually do that? Do I have the strength? Today is over. I made it, I made good decisions. Now for tomorrow. One day at a time. Good decisions tomorrow.

Too fast

My daughter is a beautiful little girl. She is shy, thoughtful, kind and her laugh could make Scrooge smile. She is a picky eater, a Daddy's girl and loves to snuggle. With twins, it takes quite an effort to not compare the two babies. The "happy one," "evil twin" and "easy one" are not words we use in our home because we want them to be individuals and know they are important and loved on their own and in their own way.

However, I am a first-time parent. I have nothing to compare "normal" to except for my other child's normal. This has come in handy before...like, after my son started teething, I could see the signs easier for my daughter. When my daughter started wanting only one nap, it was easier to make the transition for both.

On the flip side, this has been problematic in the past. My son says more words than my daughter. My daughter knows more body parts than my son. Most recently, my son started walking sooner. A lot sooner. He started walking on his own around Thanksgiving but my daughter has JUST now started to walk on her own in the last few days. This morning, as she stood up to walk to a toy she saw across the room, I thought, "Whew - she is doing great. Like she's been walking forever." I realized that I had been stressing about her timeline. I don't know why - they already are growing up too fast. And I started to wonder why I was mentally pushing her to walk sooner than she was ready for.

In our society, we want things now. NOW, now. Not like "in 5 minutes now." I tend to be pretty bad at this myself. If I ask my husband to do something, I mean now, not "when he's done" with whatever he's doing. (We're working on that in order to maintain my husband's sanity.) At work, I hate having to wait for answers. And, since starting this journey just 9 days ago, I have caught myself wondering why I wasn't thin already.

What I realized today watching her walk was that things will come when all of the criteria have been met. She has been working SO hard at walking. Balance didn't come to her as easily as it did for her brother. Her left leg turns out a bit and she has a hard time getting it to "work" right. AND, she had a Daddy that was willing to hold her anytime she wanted because she is SO danged cute.

I have to work just as hard to learn how to eat again. What I have known for 32 years was wrong, so much like learning a new language or a new skill, it will take practice. I can't expect myself to be a superstar overnight. And, this does NOT come easily to me. I was not taught portion sizes or the correct way to deal with emotions as a child. Finally, I have a genetic pull towards obesity and people around me who want me to cook for and eat with them. This is an uphill battle. If being thin and healthy was easy, EVERYONE would be thin and healthy. In America, though, it is quite the contrary. I need to have patience with myself and take it one day, one meal, one pound at a time. Thank you to all of you for being on my team. It means more than I could ever say.

Constant Motivation

I have lost 8 lbs. in 6 days. That's pretty danged fabulous. I understand in my mind that it can't continue at that rate, but the last three days, the scale hasn't moved. Add on top of that the fact that when Evan took my measurements, they weren't any smaller than a month ago. Motivation has been a bit tough for me the last few days. Triggers have been more often and I couldn't figure out why. I refrained from stealing a graham cracker out of my kids' hands, but (no need to call CPS) I thought about it.

In the past, some of my motivation has come from success. Today, I realized that THAT is one of the reasons why after a few weeks, I give up. For me, plateau = time to cheat. This morning, I was SURE that the scale would have budged. I was wrong. Instead of being frustrated, however, I thought, "It's okay. My body needs a few days to catch up." Then, I got on the treadmill. In his book, Brad talks about moving meditation - moving without music, reading or other forms of distraction - so I ditched my workout mix and just walked. And while I was just walking, I realized that my source of motivation has been a really bad one.

Playing off of Brad's term, "moving meditation," I was using "moving motivation." How could I expect to stay motivated when I was having a bad day? THAT is the time I needed the MOST motivation. And, in the past, that was the time I was giving up. During my moving mediation time, I realized that I need to be motivated by something steadfast. Constant. Like my husband and kids. Like my desire to have a healthy body. Those are constants in my life. Pretty big epiphany today. I realized how wrong I have been and how I was setting myself up to fail every single time I started.

Just do it

The Just 10 lbs workbook asks the question: “Describe a situation where you faced an unexpected challenge and succeeded.” Thoughts started racing through my mind as I tried to think of a time I feel like I succeeded. Why is it human nature (or is it just MY nature) to think about myself negatively? If I was asked about times I failed, I could come up with a list a mile long – but for a list of my successes? That’s not so easy. I swear that this is why so many people take Prozac. :) We don’t feel good enough – we’re constantly trying to improve and never just accepting where we are and what we’ve done. And when I FORCE myself to think about the good, SHOCKINGLY, there IS good. I am good. I do succeed. I do well enough sometimes. We so easily see “good” in other people and have the hardest time seeing it in ourselves.

To date, the most unexpected challenge I have had is to be the mother of twins. TWINS. I always tell people who ask that twins are truly proof that God exists and that He has a sense of humor.

It is funny how twins are so fascinating to those who aren’t close to some in their own lives. I remember walking through Costco when the babies were maybe 4 months old. I am a working mom. Saturdays are the only day I have to get things done. And this lady stopped me to talk about how cute they were, how I got twins, what it was like, etc. For some reason, this is normal to us now. (We’ve even had strangers take pictures of them…) Walking with twins is like walking with mini-celebrities.

On this particular day, however, all I could think was, “Lady, of ALL the people in this store, I am the LAST one who has time to sit here and talk to you. Do you have ANY idea how much energy and time it takes to have twins!?” Of course, I didn’t say this. I smiled, and talked to her with my teeth grinding the whole time.

So twins were unexpected and challenging. Not sure that with only 16 months under my belt I could say I have succeeded. But, I can say that I didn’t die. And, believe me, there were times I thought I would. Or wished I could. :) Sleep deprivation makes you a tad nutso. The first month of their lives, Evan was gone 10 hours a day. I would just feed one, feed the other, pump, and then have 15 minutes to eat, nap, change diapers, clean, whatever before it all started again. All day – all night. I can’t say I loved every minute of it, but I loved every minute of THEM and they are the greatest joys of my life.

People ask me how I do it. I just do it. Any mother of multiples would tell you the same thing. Heck, any mother would tell you the same thing. You just do it because you have to and because there is something inside of you pushing you.

What does this have to do with weight loss? Well, I ask myself how I will do it. And this time, I will just do it. Because I have to. And the something pushing this time isn’t inside of me, but it is those two children that have caused me so many tears of joy and frustration. I want them to have a happy, healthy mom. I want them to learn how to deal with emotion and how to be healthy themselves. This journey I am on was not unexpected, but the way I got here certainly was a surprise.