Some changes - finally...

These pictures are from my gym at work. It just opened this year and I thought, "Why would I ever want to stay at WORK and WORKOUT?" Seriously! Work and working out in once sentence? Talk about two things I try to avoid like the plague! Somehow though, the two things together have been a miracle!

I talked a bit ago about how working out is something that is so hard for me because I feel so guilty leaving my kids. This remains true. But, I have already resolved myself to the fact that I have to work and I am used to being gone from my little ones during the day. When I workout in my office gym, I'm able to get in there, get done and get home without feeling like I ever left my kids. They don't know I'm a half-hour later than normal and I don't feel guilty.

Another benefit for me has been that I work harder. Not that the 50 something engineer in shorts from 1984 walking at 2.4 next to me cares at ALL if I work out for 20 or 45 minutes or if I increase my incline or not, but somehow, I feel a twinge of competition. Whatever works, eh?

Another change in life is that I am now eating grains again. This is a new thing, so I have to be really careful not to choose a grain that will be a trigger for me. Hot homemade wheat toast with butter? Um, yeah. Trigger. Makes my mouth water just thinking about it. But a little brown rice in a stir-fry? Not as much. I'm not super excited or worried or anxious about adding grains back in. I think that's a good sign. It just is. I feel like that means I am gaining small amounts of control over food instead of vice-versa.

Finally, I am committing to actually taking the Alli that is sitting on my kitchen windowsill. Weight loss has slowed lately, so I'm hoping that picks it back up. The bottom line, though, is that I've kept going. I've really been doing well since 12/27 - 13 weeks I've been doing well. That is by FAR the longest I've stayed with something. People ask me what is different this time. I honestly don't know the answer besides that I've stuck with it. Probably because I feel liek I can. Brad and Scott have offered me accountability and hope. For me, those have been the two missing pieces in the past.

The best news is that people have started commenting on my weight loss. It took FOREVER it seems, but it has been so motivating and wonderful. My boss (who knows full well that I've been working my butt off) asked me the other day, "Hey, have you been losing weight?" Ha! I seriously laughed out loud. I tried to keep SOME level of respect as he is my boss and all. After I finished laughing at him, I thanked him. I don't care how the compliments come, as long as they keep coming.

Becoming a Habit

No, I'm not dead. :) I'm also not cheating. I've had a few rough weeks, though. First, I got bronchitis and WISHED I was dead. It was the sickest I've been in years and it took all the energy I had just to walk downstairs. I got it from someone at work who came in even though she was sick. I think that is the rudest thing of all time and I make no bones about it. THEN, my 18 month-old son fractured his collarbone. If you want to see something pathetic, find a baby with a sling on his arm. It broke my heart. All he wanted was for me to hold him. Literally, for 2 days, I held him for most of his (and my) waking hours. THEN, he got my bronchitis and the coughing hurt his shoulder and his misery was infectious. It was a pretty rough few weeks. But we made it and here I am.

I can say that I don't have much to report, which is actually something to report. Life is just business as usual, which means that this has become usual. Healthy meals are planned, grocery shopping on Saturdays are normal, (we have to shop once a week to make sure we have the freshest produce) making breakfast together has become a routine and packed lunches are normal for us. Also, we've been taking family walks every evening and the babies now know where their jackets are, where the stroller is, etc. We've done it so much, it has become habit for them, too.

I was on my treadmill last night and realized that I was running at a 4.5 with no problem. It was too easy and I had to change it up. Before, I was walking at a 3.5 and counting the minutes until the hell was over. Now, 4.5 is no problem. Also, today I am starting a new thing. My workplace just opened a new gym. I thought I would never need it because we have a treadmill at home. But if I workout before I even leave work, I will get home only 30 minutes later than I would have and my workout will be done. I'm going to see how that goes as far as feeling guilty that I'm not with my kids. I can say, I'm pretty excited about it and I can GUARANTEE that I wouldn't have said that 3 months ago.

I haven't really weighed myself in a while, but I can tell that this 10 pounds is taking its time coming off. I'm not really sure why that is, except for illness, stress and general upset to life. What's different about this time? I haven't given up. If nothing else - if I lose no more weight for another week - I haven't given up. THAT is a victory and I will take all the victories I can at this point.

Knee Jerk Reaction

Tonight, my son bit me. And it HURT. I teared up immediately. My initial reaction was to yelp and push my "attacker" off of me. While I did yell out in pain, I refrained from hitting, pushing, or doing anything physical to him. There is this overwhelming instinct as a mother that trumps any sort of other instinct you may have. If someone else had done that, I would have probably reacted differently. As a matter of fact, I have before. It takes work to not give in to your knee-jerk reaction. I do this in order to teach my children good things. It does me no good to hit them or bite them back. The best thing (we've decided) is for us to let them know verbally that what they did was not acceptable and that they hurt us. It seems to be working, although there are days like today when our kids "forget" what we have taught them.

That control of my emotions made me think. I am sick today. The sickest I've been in a while. I've wanted to eat comfort foods - to just curl up and eat carbs! That is definitely my knee-jerk for feeling sick. But I've had to control those instincts and think of what the greater good is. Being sick is for sure a trigger - one I've been fighting all day. But when I wake up tomorrow, it would do me no good to wake up sick AND feeling guilty. This sickness will pass and so will the cravings, I just have to let them.

Hot Yoga

See how everyone looks like they're dead? They wish they were. :) Okay, so not really - but this is by FAR my favorite pose. The "corpse pose." I wonder where it got its name....

This last Saturday, at hot yoga, my friend and I mistakenly stood right underneath a heat source. The room is already 105 degrees so the added heat was, um, unnecessary. But still, no one ever says, "I wish I hadn't done yoga today." That was true for me. My mind seemed more clear, my body was for sure more healthy and I can't wait until Wednesday night's class.

I'm not sure if it was the added heat or just the day, but during this particular yoga session, I had a bit of anxiety halfway through. I missed my kids. I felt guilty for being gone. I felt guilty for doing something for myself and not spending time with them. I realize that this is totally irrational. I realize that by doing this FOR me I am essentially doing this FOR them. But as a working mom, I have this underlying guilt whenever I am away from my kids. I feel like if I am not at work, I should be with them. I literally plan dates, errands, working out, ANYTHING around their sleep schedule.

Let's be honest - most people don't need ANOTHER excuse not to work out. Here in Seattle, the rain is a built in excuse most days for working out outside. I have a built in excuse for not working out in my children. I just don't know how to get around this guilt. They have 9 hours of awake time in a day. I am at work for 7 of those hours so I have a hard time using some of the remaining 2 to work out. On Saturdays, I feel like I miss their mornings and afternoons during the week so I need to be with them. I've tried working out "with" them, but I am more focused on them than I am on myself and I don't get as many benefits.

I weighed myself today - I am down 5 more lbs since my first "just 10" goal. This 5 definitely has been harder than the first. This 5 has taken over 3 weeks. I know that part of this "stickiness" is that I am not getting in as many workouts as I should. And I'm feeling a bit desperate. A bit anxious. I know that 5 lbs in 3 weeks is still 5 lbs. And as Brad says, "Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, change happens." True. But that doesn't mean that the slow time isn't hard. I have to stay focused on the fact that the change is happening. And that change is COMPLETELY in my control.

A bit bruised...

I ate a doughnut. I really don't know what to say about it. I feel like I let Evan down. I let Scott and Brad down. I let myself down. But the guilt doesn't do anyone any good so I am writing this to process my thoughts so I can turn this into a springboard for good instead of an excuse to quit. I've done that before and I don't want to do it again. Please understand, this is humiliating. I don't like to admit to failure - even for just a fleeting moment.

First, you should know that the doughnut was amazing. I wish I could say that it wasn't that good or that it made me physically ill. It didn't. It was as good as I wanted it to be. There is this place near our house that has a maple bacon bar. My sister-in-law lives in Arizona and dreams of this place. It is that good. I have driven by Frost (the name of the doughnut shop) a few times in the last month, but haven't gone in. I can say, though, that it is ALWAYS a temptation.

Monday, however, was different. I had to go to the grocery store and stopped at the one across from Frost. Evan knew I was stopping and didn't really know when I'd be home. I had this window of "opportunity." Time to go to Frost, buy and eat a doughnut and no one would know. Why did I do it? I don't know. It sounded good. It was Valentine's Day. I "deserved" it because I had been working so hard. Something lame like that.

But, the problem really wasn't the doughnut - one doughnut is not going to kill me. It was the behavior. As I was driving home, I realized how much like an addict I was. Sneaking and lying. It all happened really quickly. Sometime between leaving the grocery store and the time I walked into Frost, I was able to justify the behavior. And let myself down. For a doughnut - a maple bar with bacon, yes. But a doughnut nonetheless.

The second I got to a red light, I text Scott to tell him. Then, the minute I got home, I told Evan what had happened. Not that telling them takes it away, but it certainly changes the behavior from what I would have done a month ago. That is the only way to make this different from every other time I have messed up. I'm human and it's going to happen. But I don't want the guilt to turn into a spiral and a reason to just give up. I need the guilt (and it was some HEAVY guilt) to become a deterrent from a repeat offense.

I was supposed to weigh in today. I told Evan to keep the scale hidden. I didn't see a point in weighing myself today - it couldn't do me any good. If I had lost weight, it might have reinforced that "cheating" isn't that big of a deal. If I had gained weight, the emotion could translate into giving up.

So, one more week with no weigh in. One more battle fought and this one with a less-than-happy outcome. But today and tomorrow, I am still on track and that is more than I could say for myself before this. Even though my emotions are a bit bruised, I'm still moving forward. And I'm really proud of myself for that.

Healthy Habits

While ringing up our groceries this morning, the lady at Safeway said, "Oh, you really eat healthy. You got only healthy food. Good job!" Not sure why she commented - if it was just because we don't LOOK healthy, or if she tries to eat healthy, so she noticed. I don't know. What I do know is that I thought it was interesting. No one has ever commented on my groceries before - and we've tried to eat healthy lots of times. Here was our grocery list:

Greek Yogurt
Mushrooms
Onions
Asparagus
Zucchini
Turkey Bacon
Chicken
Oatmeal (for the babies)
Strawberries
Lemons
Apples
Oranges
Spinach
Milk (babies)
Eggs
Canned Fruit (babies)

I hadn't spent the time to think of it, but the grocery store is where it all starts. If you are bringing healthy foods into your home, you are bringing healthy foods into your body. After a while, (some days it feels like a LONG while) your body becomes healthier. I've heard you should try to stay on the perimeter of the grocery store - where the food is less processed. The majority of our list is there. No preservatives, no additives. Making my own food gives me the control to know what is going in my body.

Also, we've been taking the babies and dogs for a walk everyday. Not super easy in Seattle, but we do it. It takes quite a few layers of clothing and some velcro to keep everything on our children, but it has been worth it. They say it takes 3 weeks to create a new habit. Tomorrow will mark Day 30 on the Love-Centered Diet. Would I dare say we have created new healthy habits?

Healthy choices translate into healthy habits. Through example, we teach those habits to our children and those around us. And that is what this is all about for me.

Body Mapping

No, no one died. We are all alive and well. When I talked to Scott last night, he asked me to do a body map. Brad talks about body maps in his book, Just 10 LBS. As you can see in the picture, I drew an outline of what I thought I looked like with my arms at my side. This is the black line on the outside. Then, Evan, came in and drew a line (red on the inside) of what I really looked like. (Brad, I do wish that I could do this with my arms out. One thing I DO have going for me is my bodacious curvy curves. I like to think of myself as a plus-size Jessica Rabbit and this body map makes me look like an apple on a toothpick, which I am not. *wink, wink*)

I was shocked to see that I thought my legs were so much bigger than they were. Also shocking, and maybe more so, was the fact that I did pretty good in my estimation of the rest of my body. I am not sure how I would have done 2 months ago - I have a really weird body perception. It is hard for me to know what I really look like.

After I saw myself on The View, I apologized to Evan. I really didn't know that I had gotten that big. I mean, I knew, I just didn't know, you know? I've always thought I looked bigger or smaller than I really do. Now that I am losing weight (and have to be near the 20 lb mark) I wish more people would notice. It is hard to see 20 pounds on someone that needs to lose over 100 - but after almost a month of hard work and sacrifice, it would be nice if someone's jaw would drop or something when they see me. And not because I said something inappropriate, (tee hee) but because they think I am wasting away to practically nothing.

The last few days have been pretty rough. Nothing major, I guess, but I can certainly feel that I am going through "a phase." I feel like if I can JUST pull through this next little bit, get over this hump of sorts, things will get easier. I was telling my in-laws about this today and Evan agreed. I think we've done "diets" before for 3 weeks but never longer without taking a "break." (Most of our breaks are 2-3 months long and full of chocolate.) Getting through this 4 weeks slump will make us or break us.

I've just found myself wanting foods more. Cravings are coming more often and giving up is frequently on my mind. Justification, excuses, you name it. That's been a common theme this week. I passed a Walgreens today where Snickers bars were being advertised on the marquee for 49 cents. (Curse Walgreens.) I literally had to call Evan twice and have him talk me through it. Snickers really do satisfy. But for only so long.

So, onward. Actually, this week, upward. One day at a time, one meal at a time.